Gumball

I am sitting in the bed next to Gavin and Zachary while they are watching "Their favorite show!!!! We can't go to bed yet...." It's actually not too bad as far as kid shows go...especially kid shows on Cartoon Network. Gumball....I haven't figured out why it's called this...I don't get it.
Jakeb has spent the night with a friend (tomorrow is a holiday so no school for them) I am super happy for him that he has found this friend who seems to be as equally quirky as Jakeb. And also new friends mother still has her 9 going on 10 year old in a booster seat so that means his mom is as quirky as I am so that's cool too.
Robert is playing ping pong in the basement with my brother, Robert--yes they have the same name. Somehow this has never really been weird. But they have become pals and I am super glad for that too. Because they are both kinda rad so I am glad we get to see them more. Them being Robert, my brother, and his wife, Amberly.
Nolan is rolling around and up to his usual evening time antics...which include stretching and hip kicking. I can't wait until I am actually watching him do these things rather than feel. Speaking of rad his room is totally that...and I gotta say my creative bug that has been working the last few days is kinda fun. His room decorations have included some repurposing, painters tape, various papers folded accordian style and then unfolded, and of course paint. I will get some pictures rocking and rolling when I get it all done. I have a few more things to add and pretty much calling it D.O.N.E.
Gavin is getting another cold which is frustrating. We also noticed and read about some behavior issues often associated with the medication he was/is on. So we decided in an attempt to spare us some of the dramatics to pull him off this medicine to see if we notice a difference. I knew this medicine was known for causing such behavior issues but had actually forgotten so far I am seeing improvement. But we'll see. Of course the other issue is that the medicine does actually help his asthma...so kinda hoping he has outgrown some of that like Jakeb did. Again...we'll see.
These two boys next to me spent all day outside playing...which is funny because we had to shove Zachary outside with tears a-flowing this morning....and then he ended up out there all day. So they are exhausted ....pretty sure show time is over so it's off to bed for them!
3 day weekends are so very nice.

Negative week positive thoughts.

So this week has a been a bit unpleasant...a lot of small things adding up to make the end of the week a bummer. We have discussed the smack to the schnoz and the swollen eye, the lack of sleep and the general uncomfortableness. Let's add to that waking up with a crook in my neck and coming home to a dryer that will not turn on and a microwave that is working on heating food at light speed rather than regular ole seconds. As in it's jacked up. And also let's just the finances are a mess and the unexpected expenses we have had recently have left us not keen on broken appliances. I mean really a new dryer would be fantastic but really? Right now. uh no. Really the microwave....aka probable cancer box is not the end of the world. I rarely use it but it does make things annoying. The dryer is a larger problem and it must be remedied asap. This larger girl doesn't have clothes to last more than a week and being that it's Friday the closet is running on empty. And also....let's not even get started on my father. Because that would be like 9721 sentences of anger and frustration and it's really not worth it.

On the other hand I am trying to keep it all in perspective. Like really I am rocking out getting things made for Nolan's room. Zachary told me yesterday that I was making too much stuff for his room....say huh? Apparently kids aren't used to crafty Mom. And it's all coming together nicely and that makes me proud of me. My kiddo's are rolling into routine of school quite well and that's t-totally awesome. They are rocking out the good grades and awesome behavior. They are also rocking out trips to the nurses office but that's just funny. I am pretty sure we are quickly moving up to the number one spot on her speed dial. Glad they are taking after their mother in the graceful department. "Sorry about that wall I didn't see you there." It's a much used phrase.

Basically I am feeling some mental confusion because on one hand I want to wallow around woe is me and whine about all that is annoying and stupid--aka reread the first paragraph and on the other I am thinking maybe it's not worth it. Which leaves one feeling kinda basketcase-ish. Which over a broken dryer is a bit silly really. So I am really trying to shake it because well really it's not worth it.

Mama said knock you out.

This past weekend was a wee bit busy. Jakeb and Gavin started their soccer season with their first soccer practice on Saturday morning and Zachary had his first football game--preseason but a game none the less. Jakeb and Gavin were totally stoked to start soccer and that was neato....Zachary we discovered really wishes he had signed up for soccer and misses it because he didn't put the ball down the entire time we were at the field. Have I mentioned he's not a fan a football? Because uh no he's not. We are bribing him to get him thru the season---bribery is a wonderful parenting tool, no?

After completely melting away Saturday morning/afternoon the boys and I relaxed away the rest of Saturday and Robert took off for a Titans game in TN.

I had plans of lounging by the pool on Sunday and got up and made breakfast and packed drinks and snacks for doing just that. We lasted one hour. I thought it would be a genius idea to walk past Jakeb and Zachary and give them a little shove into the pool--you know because I am a cool mom like that... Let's set it up here a bit....Both boys were squating next to the pool filling up squirt guns. I was walking past...came to Zachary first and gave him a little push and in he goes. He popped up ready to yell at his brother but his brother was getting shoved in as well....however. Jakeb being the fleeier that he is heard Zachary's splash and jumped up lightening quick to run away. Except I was already standing over him. As in his head went into my face with such force I had no choice but to shove him in like a crazy person--pausing only a moment to make sure he didn't slam into the wall of the pool before I collapsed to the ground crying in pain. Thus traumatizing my children....their poor little gasps of terror will likely haunt me longer than the pain of a possible broken nose. Someone screamed MOMMY! someone screamed SHE"S BLEEDING! and somehow Jakeb managed to get into the bathroom to get wet paper towels for me because he's apparently a quick thinker. If we also don't recall I have a pierced nose...when I saw blood I was certain my nose ring had punctured something, despite having no pain at that spot. But fortunately it didn't and the blood actually came from the other side. I look pretty. Actually it doesn't look as bad as I feared. My nose is swollen and apparently crooked....which is cute. I at this point do not have black eyes so that's a plus. Let's just not study my nostrils or septum for too long mmmmk? I am off to the Dr. this morning for my 28 week appt so they can tell me what they think I should do. Because you know a private parts doctor is so the same as a nose doctor. It's all exciting really. On a good note any pain I was feeling from the pregnancy is really seeming quite miniscule.

Also because Gavin and Zachary felt like they needed some excitement this weekend too...Gavin used his head to provide some blunt force trauma to Zachary's face. So he's off to school this morning with a nicely busted lip. We are looking really cute.

And maybe Robert should stay close to home for a while.

Copy cat.

I have come here a couple times today staring at a blank screen really wanting to post something cheery and free from woe is me...but all I can think to say is I am tired. By about 2pm I am exhausted and by 6 I am nearly comatose exhausted. I try to nap but I am just not a good napper and it just doesn't work...I can't sleep or if I do it's for 15 minutes and then I am just frustrated and grumpy.

I am trying really hard to not count down the days--I don't know the exact number because well I am no psychic but also because I just don't know how many days until the due date...I think we might be in the 80's though and that's cool. And really some days are easier than others, today was not one of those days. I did get some laundry done and the house is pretty decently picked up...eh it could use some dusting but it's certainly not growing things yet so that's a good thing. I definitely could mop but no thank you that flat out sucks not pregnant so I will drag my feet on that one until you know...I can't drag my feet because the floors are that gross. We aren't there yet, thank you very much. It's the little things.

I am thoroughly enjoying my quiet time at home--don't get me wrong I love those boysies like mad crazy but I didn't know 7 or so hours of alone time could be so nice. I kinda forgot. First off Jakeb is 9 so this is the first time I have had days and days of just time in like a long time. It's cool, I kinda like it. I also might get stuck in this pattern of sitting at home alone so this might turn into a bad thing--right now I am enjoying it. What am I talking about anyway...in 70-80 some odd days we will have a newborn....duh. I am enjoying it while I can is what's going on folks.

The kids are adjusting well to school and we are getting into a routine with homework and studying and putting our bags away and all that fun stuff. Hopefully by baby time it will be second nature to everyone.

Hmmm...really I feel like I am being redundant in my posting lately......sorry about that. Though I am glad life isn't being too exciting right now.

Dear Diary.

For as long as I could read and write with decency (hush I said with decency...not good!) I have kept a diary. In fact in a box somewhere is my Hello Kitty diary and I might even still have the key. The diary I remember getting in 4th grade from Sanrio. In 4th grade I tried to write everyday but most days I only wrote things like "I had a good day today." or "I got in trouble in Mrs. Jones' class again....not a good day". Basically I wrote about my day with occasional strife thrown in: a fight with someone or getting in trouble at school or at home or a melt down about how much I didn't want to live with my dad anymore. Overall it was simple stuff and I am so glad I still have it. My middle and high school years are basically embarrassing to read because while I don't actually remember caring much about boys...I apparently did. A lot. Oh.my.good.lord.will.you.shut.up.already. Yeah it's bad....and funny and strange because I don't remember obsessing about various boys that much. Though I tend to obsess so I suppose it should come as no surprise. One thing I do notice as I got older more issues rose and more drama. I suppose such is life. It seems we come full circle because now the older I get the less issues come about. Granted this is probably based on my choices and reactions...to both issues that arise and issues we choose to not let arise. Now when I sit down to write...or type these days my biggest decision is wether or not I should blog about the boys again, if I should write out a check list of our day, or if I should try to go rogue and talk about some other topic that doesn't really immediately affect me. I try not to always blog about the boys or our family days...but sometimes that's just all that pops into my head when I sit down to type. I come up with genius blog posts....you know when I am driving or showering or just before I crash for the night. Things that poof out of my head quicker than they got there. So then I find myself at the keyboard wondering what in the world it was I was thinking....and then going oh well. I even tried to write down ideas...but yeah...you guessed it I lost the paper. Or rather it's in one of the 23 notebooks I carry around...which is great except I seem to always have a different notebook with me.

For the most part I try not to get too emotional and personal here on the blog...I just can't bring myself to dump it out there for the world 13 of you to see. Sure from time to time I might let loose (side bar: I think this word is stupid...I do not know which one to use at the proper time lose or loose and it drives Robert crazy...sure I say it correctly but for the life of me cannot remember which to use...dumb English language and your exceptions to the rule) and let some emotions flow. But I don't need to blog every time I get angry or some one ticks me off....but then really one of the nice things about getting older is that often you learn to just let things go. That it's not worth the diary entry...that it's not that big in the whole grand scheme of life. So maybe "Dear Diary: I have nothing to bitch about today" could have been my last entry as a teenager or even truthfully as a 20 something. "Dear Diary: I get it and it's not worth it...here's what is great today....next week I will bitch...but today is awesome...." Full circle...kinda sort....almost. I am glad I am getting there.

Titleless.

Settling in to our new routine this week slowly but surely. Gavin seems to be adjusting just as I knew he would. School is hard. Sending them to school is so very important and the decision was a no brainer. The idea of homeschooling has rolled around in my head more times than I can count but always ending with the same conclusion. I am 99% positive it's just not in the cards for me/us. My fuse when it comes to structured education time with my kiddo's seems to be much shorter than it should be, therefore teaching to read and add and all of the basics just isn't something I am cut out for. So off to school they go. Jakeb comes home most days proclaiming an AWESOME day and that is enough for me to know we are making the right decision. However that doesn't mean from time to time I wonder. Especially when tears are being shed.

But we started our Friday off right and got up early and everyone off to school--I even remembered ice cream money! So the routine is slowly rolling in and it's so very welcome because I am so a creature of habit.

I spent all day Wednesday painting Nolan's dresser and it's just not the right color. As Robert said it makes his room look easter eggish. So back to the store I go for more (darker) paint. His crib showed up as promised much to my surprise--thanks to horrid reviews of the website we ordered from. While it wasn't the smoothest transaction out there the crib is here and looks fantastic all set up in his easter room. The fact that there is a baby room still blows my mind...

But also my heart still longs, aches, and loves the child(ren) we are bringing home from Colombia. We are still working on the last touches for the addendum we need and waiting to get this in is so frustrating because there are so many very conflicting emotions. I haven't forgotten but have I? No, no I haven't. But the busyness of life is distracting and that is hard. I am longing to have everyone home here where they (all of our children) belong. But the waiting is so hard and knowing that while we are loving on this brand new baby and being completely smitten with all that he is, our other child is also waiting and is hard to know too. Life is happening though and it's wonderful. So we wait and we love and we wait some more and I try to know that everything will work out as it should in the time it should.

In the meantime there's this ...

The crib...looking mighty cute and inviting.

Me less cute and less inviting at 26 1/2 weeks.

2 weeks.

Well today was overall a much better day than yesterday and the day before and the day before that. We are 2 weeks into school and while Jakeb and Zachary seem to be rolling right back into a routine it has been a bit rougher for the littlest of the big ones. He did say today was a much better day and apparently the trick was the heart I drew in red sharpie on his palm. (Thanks to "The Kissing Hand") Despite the tears and hiccuping sobs when I dropped him off he seems to have done just fine today. I received 3 emails letting me know he was a-ok that both made me feel better because he was doing fine and also that they cared enough to let me know. I at least had my game face on this morning at drop off time so I left with my head held high and no tears falling. Yesterday caught me so off guard that I didn't have time to prepare! Fingers crossed Monday goes a little better.

My cold by the end of the day seems to be slowly going away though mornings are rougher we will see what tomorrow brings.

I did manage to clean out the refrigerator today--which sucks really but I do find it amazing the number of expired items I found in the door. Various condiments of course, despite going thru the items what feels like weeks ago it apparently was more like months. Thus reinforcing my theory that time only speeds up as you get older and possible disappears all together. A clean fridge is amazing in itself especially if you let it get a bit dirty before you clean it...it's all that more "pat yourself on the back'ish" when it's done. So go me and my brand new but just clean, some what empty refrigerator. And that's that for this Friday. The boys are currently at the pool--with Robert of course and I am gearing myself up to make dinner while they bathe play in the pool.

Also in 2 weeks I will be beginning my 3rd trimester, I am sorry what?

The Crying Kind.

So there is a theme going on here....whining and crying. We are chalk full of hormonal pregnancy emotions over here, plum full up. Because here's the thing, I don't cry. Like no really I do not cry. Not being all tough girl about it but I really just rarely have the urge to bust out the tears. Of course that being said over the past several years a new phenomenon for me has been that my eyes get teary over the silliest things. I mean really silly. That welled up feeling to cry isn't there but the tears are...confusing? Why yes, yes it is.

So anyway me the not cryer has found myself in quite the conundrum lately and the crying has been a bit uh, over the top. Today has been emotionally trying. Gavin, you know the sweet itty bitty kindergarden boy--he's been doing all well and good at school. A few little bumps that were previously mentioned but overall seems just fine and dandy. That is until .456 seconds before he gets out of the car this morning...or rather as he was stepping out of the car this morning. So picture this: Drop off line full of cars and kids hopping out and moving on, oh! It's our turn, hugs and kisses given and everyone is hopping out of the car. I catch Gavin's profile and notice a wrinkled chin and a quivering lip as he's stepping out of the car, he says a barely audible squeaky goodbye and I realize he's trying very hard to not cry. I ask him what's wrong and he hops out saying "Nothing!" So there I sit trying to figure out what to do because my little baby is crying and there are people behind me and he's trying to be brave but that just makes me feel worse. Instead of parking the car and chasing after him I leave and my last glance is him waving and wiping his eyes trying so hard to be brave. I pull away and burst into tears. I decide I will go eat lunch with him to make sure he's ok....I know, I know this is a bad idea but I just couldn't not go. So I go and he's totally fine that is until I have to leave again. And it's the same scene all over again--him trying not to cry and me smiling and waving. Instead this time I poke my head into the teachers lounge and ask a teacher friend to peak in at him in a few minutes. And then I again burst into tears...standing in the teachers lounge of my children's school. Lame. It of course is all that more fitting that I am pregnant so I get a slight pass but eesh. Folks I don't cry and I certainly do.not.cry. in front of a room full of people I barely know. Oh good lord. So this kindergarden thing has been really hard this go round and I wasn't expecting that.

Gavin has to go and be all baby and innocent and sweet and all "I miss you" when for the past 3 years he's been all bossy and demanding and whiney.....so I guess it's only fitting that I go from "I don't cry" to apparently "I cry."

Wendy Whiner.

So a few posts back I was all like "breathe and focus" in fact that may have been Monday....but today I am going to be all like this is noootttt fuunnnnn. The thing is....I am not a very good pregnant person, which is not cool on my part really because technically I am a pretty good pregnant person. I have pretty standard and easy-ish (for most people) pregnancies...and while this one really has been tougher on me it's really not that bad. But dang November can't get here quick enough. Cause while feeling the baby move is super dee duper neato schmeato---the other part of my brain has a hard time with the fact that there is a real live person moving around in my stomach. Because you know OMG there is a person moving around in my stomach. So there's that...which really is my favorite part of being pregnant but at the same time sorta creeps me out if I really think about it. Then the aches and pains and the uncomfortable and the bathroom trips and the not sleeping. Which is the worst part for me. I am a sleeper or rather I am a I need sleep at night person. I don't nap well so night time is my thing. I go to bed and I sleep all night and I don't have a hard time sleeping and I wake semi refreshed-ish and I am good to go. Except now I am not and that makes me want to cry. Except that's not cool because a 31 year old crying pregnant person is understandable but really put your big girl panties on and deal with it lady.

So yesterday was hard and it seems this morning is off on the wrong foot already but really there is no reason it should be because nothing happened. Though adjusting to kindergarden for my little guy is hard... for me. Last Friday he lost recess time and center time because he didn't finish coloring the all spots on a sheet on time. Which I get....kinda.. but really I didn't know coloring was a life skill. I mean obviously little dude knows his numbers and his colors and can follow directions (because he was) and is good to go in that regard but for real was it necessary for him to color every single spot--because he's not a fan of coloring, his perfectionism makes it hard for his 5 year old hands, as in he is really slow and his hand gets tired of trying so hard to stay in the lines. But apparently we aren't worried about how well a person does it but how fast and of course that they can color. *headsmack* (which he can color he just doesn't like to because he's s.l.o.w. at it) And then yesterday I went to the school for a super energized fundraiser pep rally thing a majig and as I was watching the guys prepare it occurred to me that maybe this was going to be a bit intense for all these little kindergarden babies that are still adjusting and are going to walk into screaming and woohoo'ing and chaos 7 days into school. At least I knew it might be for mine...and it was. I snagged him after the yelling into the microphone session and he was upset because he thought he had to go on some crazy adventure and totally didn't understand. And it broke my heart just a bit because he's so innocent and little. But then I realized that he so wasn't traumatized and was just totally fine and that maybe this is harder for me than him. And probably he should learn to be a bit less of a perfectionist and that he does need to finish his work in a time frame because I suppose that is a important life skill. But don't make my baby cry and miss recess for coloring in the same week because I am pregnant and all grumpy and whiney and I might cry too.

And while we are on the up swing of my emotional pendulum I will stop right there because if I rant any longer it won't get pretty.

ETA: He did finish his coloring and wasn't the only one (he and 3 other kids missed recess) and apparently did much better on Monday. But I still have the slight desire to march up to the school and say it's ridiculous. But I get it.

Breathe

One of the personal "exercises" I have been working on is breathing. I don't mean literally breathing because obviously not breathing would be well a fatal mistake. And ironically I am having rather a difficult time actually breathing lately but the 2 lb fetus and the 15 lbs of cushion for him aren't helpful. But I digress....by breathing I mean instead of doing the normal routine of OMG this is so stressful omg freak out freak out agggghhh mental thing that goes on in my head when you know things get stressful. Like I wait to the last minute to pack or we are out of dog food or the kids have lots of papers that I can't figure out. The things that are so trivial really but instantly put me in a mental tilta-whirl. So I practice "breathing" and just being calm and focusing on doing just that. Focusing on exactly what it is I need to do and putting one foot in front of the other instead of stepping up on that roller coaster. Read the papers toss what we don't need, read what we do, and move on instead of the tendency to want to throw a mental temper trantrum of throwing it all down and walking away. Or really not even that but allowing myself to get overwhelmed over something so totally doable. And it works....and maybe some don't have to do this but folks I do. I am slowly learning things to help our day roll smoother and that I really can't just "wing it" well not totally true because there is a lot of that going on....but I need to know that in doing that to lower some of my expectations. And it's helped...it is still something I have to work on but I rather enjoy the calmer me. Sure, sure I get fired up about things but certainly not to the extent and I can usually reel myself back in to a normal level of crazy. Because really normal and crazy are probably one in the same. Or at least they overlap a little....no?

So breathe and focus. Breathe and Focus.

Week one: Check.

We are one week thru the school year and off to a fantastic start. The boys love their classes and teachers and seem to be genuinely enjoying their days at school. The school they go to is the smallest in the county and despite my reservations by the outside appearance of the school it's a marvelous one. Nearly every time I leave the building I think I love this school. So I am thrilled that the year is off to such a wonderful start and thrilled the school still rocks.

And I must say 7 uninterrupted hours are mighty nice. I usually sit around wondering why I get nothing done--and by nothing I mean various projects around the house other than you know cleaning up after someone or feeding someone. I have however realized that there is something to be said for uninterrupted time. It occurred to me that is the golden ticket for me....I need to know that I have the time to finish a project start to finish without having to stop or at the very least get to a good little stopping point. So all that being said things are trucking along nicely for our first week into school.

Yesterday I spent the morning rearranging furniture (heavy but very easy to move furniture no worries!) and hanging pictures over the mantle. The mantle project is something I have dreamed of doing for a great deal of time and finally yesterday said heck with it and did it. Which was a nice confidence booster because A: it's looks pretty good and B: I am pretty good at decorating via improvising on a budget. As in I just redid my mantle without purchasing a single item. Score! It's amazing the things you can find around your house. And I will just go ahead and toot my own horn right here and say Go Me.

So anyway school is rocking and rolling and our morning routine is jumping right back to where it was and it's a seamless one so that's awesome and makes mornings so much easier. Because 6am is never easy. Gavin managed to walk himself to class alone yesterday and bought lunch at school. Jakeb is a totally too cool for school 4th grader. Zachary is the middle man both at school and at home and loves that his little brother is at school with him even if he pretends to not like him 75% of the time. Which totally melts my heart by the way. He's all like "Omg Gavin your so annoying" all the while also being like "Don't mess with my brother, punk".....his little bits of love snuck in are cute and sweet and just what I like to see.

So Happy First Week of School!

Cloth diapers and slings and boobies

I have nursed each of my kids well past 1 year of age. Something I am both shocked at and proud of. When Jakeb was born I went into the whole breastfeeding thing thinking I may nurse him for 2 months, or 4 or who knows....as each month rolled past I couldn't believe it. Then came Zachary whose beginnings into nursing were a bit more tumultuous for me...and him as we soon learned he had reflux and based on the vomit stain that ended up on the wall 3 feet from the bed it was evident it existed. He then nursed for 22 months and that is beyond shocking. And I often find myself justifying that to others but when really it's no big deal. But by the time Gavin came around it was a breeze and also a bit demanding. Afterall 7+ years of having someone else depend on you for you know life is a bit overwhelming.

I gave cloth diapering a try with Zman but gave up after finding him soaked in his bed more times than not..it seems I can recall giving them a whirl with Gavin and also giving up for probably the same reasons. I am thinking I would like to give them a whirl again...afterall the cuteness factor is just about enough of a reason for me. But eesh it's overwhelming....finding the right diaper for the right kid...so we'll see.

I did the snugli with Jakeb from time to time and the Baby Bjorn with Zachary quite often with Gavin we did the Bjorn and often tossed him a sling as he got older. So this go round I am quite looking forward to slings and carriers to try...especially since they have gotten so much neater! I know lame sauce that I think baby slings and carriers are neato schmeato but from someone who has babies that like to snuggle they are a lifesaver! Really this post is all over the grid....and lest you think we are all crunchy over hear....my kids had Eggo's with Mrs. Butterworths fake (but oh so tasty) syrup for breakfast. I mean Eggo's are like da bomb and I have been eating them at least once a week since I was like 15...even with a few frozen waffle strikes thrown in. Yum.

A never ending quest.

Anyone that knows me for 5 milliseconds---or let me say this again--anyone who has been to our house at least twice knows that I like to keep things spiced up and am prone to up and move furniture or paintings or clothes or whatever, however and whenever. Anyone who has read this blog knows this because I comment on this all the time. I am never 100% satisfied with the appearance of things in my house and since buying new isn't an option I move things around. Because hello moving the couch is totally like getting a new one--or something like that. Don't worry my pregnant self didn't move the couch or anything large. I did have my burly muscular little boys carry their easel back up stairs and the heavy vacuum cleaner back down. I have however been reorganizing again. Though upon first glance it would like less like organizing and more like a gigantic mess thrown about the room. This started as we hunted for googley eyes so we could make angry birds. Needless to say I found them--after I stopped looking and in the most obscure place. Go figure. And needless to say we haven't made angry birds yet. The organization is never ending because this house--which is made for a many personed family to live in has ZERO storage. As in we have 2 closets that are not in bedrooms and one bedroom without a closet. Have I mentioned we have no pantry because if I haven't...WE HAVE NO PANTRY. It's redonk...every single house we have ever purchased my #1 priority was it must have a pantry. Yet somehow none of them have ever had a pantry. Not one house. Are you kidding me again with the no pantry thing. Ok ok. I digress. And I improvise with baskets of randomness all over the place. If I had a pantry my baskets of randomness would live there. Just saying. Baskets of art supplies and school papers and snacks and more art supplies and playdoh and moon sand and hats and gloves and OMG why can't I find anything. I am wondering if it be would be totally crazy to make our coat closet a pantry. It does house coats currently but we could hang them elsewhere. It is also in the foyer--as in right when you walk in the front door--of the house around the corner from the kitchen. But it would make a lovely pantry. Anyway not my point at all...though the title of this post is also fitting for the pantry situation. My point is I am forever organizing and reorganizing and things never seem to stay where I tell them. And I suppose that's really all I have to say about that....since I totally derailed on the pantry rant. I feel like I should maybe continue on with that....but maybe I shouldn't for fear that I will hit publish as I walk away to build a pantry---oh wait there is no place to do so. This coat closet is seeming more and more appealing. All it needs is 3 more little shelves and it's pantry ready! Or maybe we really don't need this little hall bathroom. Anyone have the laundry in the garage is this nutso thinking as well?

On another note today is the last day for swim lessons--I must admit I am glad for this the 45 minutes of exposure to intense chlorine fumes is getting to me. Obviously.

In A People House.

So here I am here...31 years oldish...and having a revelation of sorts that I think has been coming on slowly since like forever...that maybe I am not really a people person. Like you know...I like people for the most part but I have a hard time with people. I can socialize and be friendly and even pretty darn funny. Yet I walk away with an odd sense of awkwardness and sometimes a wee bit of confusion. I have friends...a few that I talk to nearly everyday and a few that I talk to nearly every month. They are rockin' friends that I totally can kick it with and be me. I think they get me and I think I get them and we are cool like that.

But here's the truth...I avoid small talk if at all possible. If I have only met you a few times and I see you in the store the truth of it is...I probably will hide. Is that awful? Because I swear it's not you, whoever you may be, it's that I seriously can not deal with awkward conversations. But I see you kinda hide to so I know I am not alone. They almost hurt guys--ok that's a bit far but eesh I don't like walking away from that conversation rehashing what I said and doing a mental head smack or the worst...when to walk away? I know I am not alone in feeling this way, there are other socially inept folks out there, I am positive of this. I have a hard time dealing with that odd man at the grocery store who wants to talk about nothing at all but makes me totally uncomfortable for no good reason at all. Here's another thing...a little not so big secret...I am not ok with random and even not so random people touching me. It seems I give this vibe off pretty well albeit unintentional...like a sign somewhere over my crossed arms that says "don't hug me" but some people just miss that. I mean really I will hug you, I promise but let me initiate it mmmk? I am not frail or a germ-a-phobe. I am just a touch me not...I have a pretty wide circle of personal space.

So really...the thing is. I recently went out with some folks I sorta kinda know at an ok level...like let's go to dinner sure ok...at dinner other people show up that I both know and absolutely don't know and there was hugging. I mean really, I don't know you don't give me a full on cheek to cheek hug. First off Rachel already in uncomfy land...dinner with newish people and small talk city and oy the pressure, then we bring in more new folks and there is hugging? Now I promise I am friendly--really, I try and I hope the awkward isn't as apparent as it feels. So it occurred to me that maybe I am just not the best people person or maybe it's just feeling intense around here since everyone I meet here in good ole' GA is you know...new and full of small talk and it's flat out wearing me out. Or maybe it's everyone but no one really wants to say it? But then I think...should I really be worn out from small talk and new people. But guys it's mentally exhausting for me...it just is. And that's ok.

But I promise if I meet you please talk to me if you want to hug me you can just be prepared for awkward. I swear I like people--I just am not overly great about new people because of my awkward. I swear where I am now is huge progress though. Swear and promise.

Struggling.

I am having a hard time keeping up lately. Hmm...maybe I should say a harder time? Any mother knows the duties are never ending. Laundry, cleaning, feeding, washing, brushing, only to repeat it all the next day and the next and the next....not to mention all the things in that list I didn't mention. Like you know playing with the children, paying the bills, showering, feeding the pets, heck even checking the mail. Though often that is the highlight of my day....lame I know. We got a new washing machine on Tuesday...and after the boys swim lesson I told them we had to hurry home so I could play with it. More lameness. They got it...it's a pretty little machine.

Since being pregnant my energy level has taken a nose dive...at one point I am pretty sure I heard it hit the floor and burst into flames. Most days I can crank it up to a nice tolerable level...until about 3 and then it plummets again. I have bumped dinner time back roughly an hour mostly because Robert gets home and can help me get a little burst of energy to cook--or better still watch him cook. He's cool like that.

But the lack of energy is taking it's toll on me emotionally as well as physically. I don't remember feeling so blah with the big boys...and folks it's not in my nature to laze about that's mentally exhausting for me. Weird I know but true...some days I can laze around and breathe a sigh of relief to just relax. Most days no...however since oh mid March my days consist of barely being able to muster enough energy to shower much less feeding people a decent meal or washing and folding their laundry.

Focusing my energy.

Elsewhere. I can't obsess and drive myself crazy(and everyone around me!) with adoption talk--though I may still try just bare with me! So I am doing the whole exercise and better eating thing. Whew, guys it's hard.

I knew I wasn't a fantastic eater but dang....try cutting out foods and cutting back what you eat and you realize you eat worse than you realize. So yesterday I did a bang up job of keeping things underwraps...that is until we got back from soccer practice and I couldn't hang anymore and I scarfed down a mid-size bowl of cookie dough ice cream--curse you Publix for your bogo and a coupon. What? Can't pass up a good deal! And then a few handfuls of BBQ chips...darn Kroger and your free bag of chips coupon. But all in all I did pretty decent. Despite finding myself wandering into the kitchen numerous times in the day and also not realizing I snack that much. Though I think it's the whole "want what you can't have" thing making it worse.

Oh I did make it to the treadmill yesterday--2 miles, 30 min. on the dot. I am proud of myself for that.

No news on the adoption front--still waiting!

Progress is progress

The treadmill was my friend only 2 times this week. Tsk Tsk. However, I have done a bang up job leaving the Dr. Pepper alone. A crazy good job...on Tuesday I had half of a diet Dr. P--half because I can only handle so much sweetener before it's icky tasting. Yesterday we took the boys to a movie--Robert misunderstood my drink request and stating that I could cheat from time to time and got a Dr. Pepper for me. I did have some sips and after the 4th sip I realized I really didn't want it. So I didn't have any more....so while I didn't get on the treadmill many times this week I did skip the Dr. P many. I will take any step forward I can get.

I also realized a problem with any sort of weight loss and diet change people face. The idea that "you can cheat" I get this and I do think this is true. However I do believe it's an addiction. So until you get a grasp on your issue you can't cheat. In the past times I have tried to kick the soda habit---the cheating is what makes me quit trying. It just doesn't work. At least for me.

I am a huge Biggest Loser fan. And this past week one of the contestants went home and during that time was his birthday and he wouldn't even try a bite of the cake that was bought for him. Granted during that time he was playing a game on a show but it also made me realize that trying it was opening a door he was trying to shut. Trying to get a control on, that food IS an addiction. It makes it a bit more eye opening how really hard the struggle is, and I see it for sure. I am absolutely addicted to sweets and soda and it's really really hard almost impossible hard to not eat them. One it's every where. The boys told me that there is now a Pop Tart that is called Ice Cream Sundae---this is presented as a breakfast food. That's crazy. We don't do Pop Tarts but seriously hello I think foods like this are not helping many issues kids are facing today. Both behavioral, emotional, and physical. We eat our fair share of junk and I am trying really hard to curve that but convenience foods are very uh..convenient. That and I haven't been taught to know a variety of foods both by myself and as a child. Thru no fault of my parents as it's what they knew too. But when it comes to trying to change a diet it's really hard. You suddenly feel you can't eat anything...most because you don't like it and just don't know. We are trying broaden our diets and our children's but it's hard. Education is key so we are trying and learning as we go.

Trying to try.

I am struggling a bit with my weight lately. I know, I know.... But here's the deal. I have gone up 3 sizes in roughly 3 years. That's roughly 30 pounds or so. Now I will give myself 10 for free because well I was approaching 30 so that's only fair. Duh. Aside from that not much else changed. In fact in the middle of that time period I ran a half marathon--ok well I walk/ran...either way I did it. And had my butt at the gym quite a bit getting ready for it. I did it. And that was that. I had all sorts of dreams of running another, of sticking with the running. Obviously I didn't.

The funny thing for me about running is this. I hate it, HATE it. Yet I often get the overwhelming feeling that I need to just run. And after a decent one (which isn't often because I have very, very little stamina) I feel fantastic. Getting myself to get off my duff put down the marshmallow cereal and the coffee is um yeah close to impossible.

The thing with my weight is that really its not awful and I know this but at the rate I am going....exactly. It will be. So we...er I...need to get a handle on it. Because it's creeping up and up. And truth be told I am kinda ok with how I look right now, I am mean I did birth 3 kids....and I am months over 30 but I don't feel great.

And really it boils down to this---love handles, jiggling stomach, and tight pants aside. I want to be in better shape. I want to go for a hike with my family and not need to request a "water break" ever few steps. I don't want to be winded taking my dog for a brisk walk--a long brisk walk yes but not a short one! Now my brisk walk is pretty damn brisk but still.

The problem with all of this is motivation and initiative. Aye. This is very hard. I really do know ways to change this or at the very least know how to work google. I know that I need to ditch the marshmallow cereal and I need to lay off the Chick-Fila. Chick-Fila I love you and your tasty sauce. And Dr. Pepper, sweet, sweet, Dr. Pepper.

I have a treadmill in my basement I nearly begged for it for Christmas--I got it. I have used it 3 times. THREE. 2 this week. The first time I used it I realized the delusion of exercising for an hour at home is just that...a delusion. At least on an ordinary day at home. It's so stressful that it's just not worth it. Exercising at home is like working at home--it takes some serious dedication. I get on there and notice a dirty baseboard or think of the laundry in the wash. So here's what I am proposing to myself.

At first I thought let's just give 30 minutes a whirl...and a diet change. I can do 30 minutes. I did them and realized 30 minutes is very close to 2 miles. So I did the 2 miles in 36min. and decided my goal would be this 2 miles and each time shorter. So the first time was 36 min, the second 32. I realized that I will get under 30 min and after I get under say 25 min or so I will bump it to 3 miles. This along with some diet change and I hope to see some increase in my stamina. Today I skipped and walked the park with Gavin and got my 2 miles. Gavin was on his big wheel so it was a brisk walk with pauses.

The biggest thing for me is that I need realistic goals. 30 minutes and ditching the Dr. Pepper is realistic. I think. And at the very least it's a start and right now that's what I need.

Staycation

This week the boys are out of school--well the big boys, or the school age 2, or just Jakeb and Zachary. I find myself often talking about them as if there are more than 3 of them. There isn't. Yet. Gavin's preschool is in a different county so technically he has school. We live in the very south western corner of our county, like our neighborhood is on the line so we do more things in neighboring counties than in our own. They are just closer. So Gavin's church preschool is in another county. And they have school--but he does not. Jakeb and Zachary (and soon to be Gavin's) school system is on a "balanced calender" so they start really early in August but consequently get several extra breaks during the year. I like this. I actually LOVE this. And this is one of the breaks. Yay.

Robert has taken the week off and we are planning a entire week of staying at home. Some yard work is on the agenda, some relaxing, some outside time, and some more relaxing. We did make a brief trip to TN to visit with friends and family--which we actually crammed in in 2 days! We had a really nice time but are glad to be home. Which is what this is feeling like--Home. Obviously this is our home but here, this new state, new people, and new things are feeling like home.

The boys keep running past my window to my right and I can hear their chatter, the dishwasher is running, the dog is barking, the dryer is tumbling, and this is home.

I can't wait for it to be home for more little one(s). Speaking of that--our dossier was not submitted last week but should be done tomorrow. We had a very nice and long chat with our caseworker and that's what we were told. So we are still waiting and seeing. Which we can expect a lot of over the next---clump of time.

Sunshine is my drug

Today was absolutely gorgeous here in North GA. Gorgeous enough that the boys busted out shorts. In February. Gavin and I walked up to the tennis courts to play for a bit this afternoon and I stripped down to my tank top (and pants of course!). I was hot--in February! Crazy. But I will take it. The sun on my face and arms was glorious. My favorite place to be in the yard is laying on the trampoline and feeling it's warmth and watching the trees sway under the breezy blue sky. Listening to the quiet trickle of the stream that runs thru the middle of our back yard. The boys and I spent the entire afternoon outside and I have muddy shoes and scratched up arms to prove it. We worked on clearing leaves out of the stream with sticks aka playing in the water. In an attempt to boost our quiet trickle to a rushing rapid--this did not happen but the volume did get a little crank up on the bubbling brook. We have been able to ascertain that the water is in fact coming up out of the ground in various places and weaves it's way thru the leaves and muck that often builds up. It never is dry and never deep, just a tiny little stream of happy quietly rolling thru our yard. We ended up with muddy wet shoes but thoroughly enjoyed our sunny day. Shoes are in the wash!

Not much to update on the adoption. Our dossier IS being submitted (today??) to the powers that be in Colombia but we still just don't know if we are looking at 6 months, 1 year, or 3. I am trying to remind myself that we busted thru the dossier process at lightening speeds and most are not at this point this quickly and also remind myself that IF I had indeed gotten pregnant we still would not have a baby. It's been since September, really closer to October--that's like 4 or 5 months only. But it's hard to remember that--my impatience gets the best of me often. Keeping in perspective is a nice idea though and helps bring me back to reality....so I try. And it's all I can do. The sunshine-y days certainly help.