A dilemma....of not so epic-ness.

So back 4 days ago when I thought I was having a little girl....I had room plans rolling around in my head and was excited to be buying a new white crib and pink bedding and girliness. Now I am working on switching my thinking to boy and back to blue...I have pretty much got it planned as well and am tossing myself into executing the plan once the big boys start back to school (in OMG a month!) The dilemma that is no so epic is white crib or black crib. Going totally basic here and back to the classics and doing a Jenny Lind crib....just trying to decide if I want this bedding to be with a Ebony (aka black but we don't want to say black because it's a baby bed) crib or the White. I know so silly to fret over and truth be told I am not fretting I mean for goodness sake...I have 19 or so weeks to go...roughly 4 1/2 months. I could slap a room together in a week including ordering time. But it's a decision I am pondering at the very moment and the best thing I could think of writing about because what I want to blog about I can't. So let's talk about baby stuff instead! The baby...aka Nolan is quite a wiggly one and I must say that I have had no problem referring to him and HIM and also as Nolan which is funny because while I didn't have a hard time saying her and she when the baby was not girl I couldn't bring myself to say the name. Which is probably good because I am having a hard time not thinking about the boys sister--and then going oh wait...they didn't have one. I just can't wait to see this little boy and his sweet face...it is very fun pondering who he will look like. Jakeb and Zachary look so similar we often have people ask if they are twins--which is insane because in my opinion they look very different, and then we have Gavin the blonde boy who actually looks like his brothers but his coloring throws everyone off because he is so very blonde. (Side note: as I looked up name meanings yesterday I discovered that Gavin actually means White Hawk....how cool and fitting is that?) So it will be interesting to see who we get this go round. And Nolan means Fighter....which also seems very fitting.

Well now.

I should be writing now to tell you about our wonderful vacation this past week and how we managed to score tickets to disney. Or show you the bedding we picked out for baby girl and her name.

Instead I will tell you how we have 3 gorgeous healthy boys and found out 3'ish weeks ago that we will be having a baby girl who would be spoiled rotten by everyone. This morning we loaded up into the car and all headed out for the official peek at baby girl to get some measurements and make sure everything looked at it should. The good news everything does in fact look as it should...the funny news Baby girl is in fact Baby BOY. Mmmmhmmm apparently baby boy thought he was a funny one and hid his boy parts during our first ultrasound. Now a quick run down on how I am handling this news...A) I am not upset that baby is a boy. B) I am upset I lost what I thought was a daughter. C) That sounds confusing because I didn't technically loose a thing... This morning I was fine and dandy laughing about it and saying I KNEW I didn't trust that ultrasound from the second she said it was a girl. Which is also comical because my "gut instinct" said it was a girl--yet when they said it was a girl I was convinced it was wrong. But I tried to relax and trust they were right...I mean really I even forced myself to buy clothes. Ok maybe forced is a stretch but I let myself trust enough to get excited and buy clothes and pick out bedding....and trust it wasn't wrong and that wouldn't happen to us on top of everything else that has transpired over the past couple weeks. No way. Needless to say this afternoon I am not so fine and dandy. I am excited to meet this baby boy (and maybe ground him for being a sneak) but at the same time I am heartbroken that I lost my little girl. What is worse is I feel guilty for feeling this way --after all we have 3 fantastic little boys. (i might add I lost it on them when they were burping loudly in the car....this may or may not have helped send me over the edge this afternoon)

So yeah....Had I been told from the first ultrasound It's a Boy! I would be not feeling this at all...but imagining a little girl, shopping for a little girl, and having that taken away. Not fun.

And that's the truth of it....excited yes but at the same time heartbroken. It's quite conflicting.

Upside Down and Inside out...

We have had one helluva a week here....instead of ramblings...hows about some pictures of cute little boys...Those are always nice

An actual update...

This one being adoption related. We just got off a nice little conference call with our new caseworker with our agency. There is good news, decent news, frustrating news, but essentially no bad news.

Many have asked if we are continuing with the adoption now that we are pregnant...presumably the reason why we began the adoption to begin with. Presumably because well I said it was...it just wasn't the only reason. Here is how I look at this whole picture...this baby is a surprise the adoption wasn't. This baby is very much wanted and longed for...for a long time. The adoption did change that some but this baby doesn't change things with the adoption. Both (all) children were dreamt about and longed for--I can't imagine changing my mind about them--whether I birth them or not. I had dreams about little darked haired cuties from Col*mbia just as much as I have dreamt about holding a brand new baby girl in my arms. I dreamt them because they were in my heart already and that hasn't changed.

So on to the update....our new caseworker broke everything down for us and how things will play out over the next bit. Once the baby is born we will update all of our paperwork and then we will notify C*lombia of the changes. At that point our dossier will go on hold for 1 year. When it goes on hold this does not restart our approval date--that would remain the same--which was my biggest question. The year will suck, but is necessary and I know that and I am honestly glad it's enforced. From the date of approval it is just waiting--then it goes on hold--more waiting--then off of hold in November 2012 and then more waiting but we don't necessarily loose our "spot in line". We would not be referred any children during the 1 year time but will not have to restart our waiting once we come off of hold.

Our dossier is NOT currently approved. However apparently back in APRIL (yes this is the frustrating news) our previous caseworker received a request for additional information regarding some of our paperwork. I honestly expected this...our psychological report while nicely written was not thorough enough. Specifically when it came to discussing our reasons for wanting to adopt more specifically from Col*mbia. So had we received that information 2 MONTHS ago our dossier likely would have been approved already. Unfortunately we didn't and we will now need to rush to get this update. Our psychologist was not the friendliest so this will be frustrating. Ho hum, par for the course...we should expect a few bumps!

Basically that is the run down of what we can expect.

Sad Camera.

It has occurred to me numerous times over the past...well however long it's been...my sense of time is basically shot....that my picture taking has dwindled down to basically zilch. I went from hundreds of pictures a month to maybe dozens while in reality this is probably a good thing it is a bit sad. The boys are gone all day or were and when we do go places the idea of lugging a 10lb camera around is less then enticing. Plus I got tired of the frustration of saying oh hey wait...let me get a picture and the exasperated sighs and grunts of displeasure that formed from that. In an attempt to regain my picture taking status I have tried to remember to bring my smaller camera's along on short trips--the zoo, the pool, etc. Sadly it seems 9 times out of 10 that I have either left a memory card (essentially no film) at home or a dead battery. Oops. SO having said all that...I am going to try to snag more pictures. I am hesitant to commit to the whole 365 thing again...because while that was a super cool self assignment. I have yet to actually do what I said I was going to do with it. Make a photo book. (note #1 to bored self looking for things to do when kids go back to school: make photo book). See I had all the pictures organized into files for each kid...all 365 pictures of each child. Which amounts to over 1000 pictures sorted and ready to go. I *girl who preaches about backing up files* did not back up these particular files and lost them. The pictures were duplicates and I have them in the main monthly files BUT I will have to go back thru all 12 months for each child and pick out the pictures. Not hard...just tedious. But oh so worth it in the end. Anyway...my camera is sad and lonely so I am going to try to take more pictures of kids or randomness and maybe even Robert. Watch out it's camera's gone wild up in here...ok not really...not even a little bit....but still. Fingers crossed I am not all talk on this...I try not to be like that but sometimes I am.

And also the idea of decorating a little girls room is settling in and OMGoodness. First I love, love decorating any room--specifically kids rooms. I am relatively good at it not like magazine omg gorgeous room good...but decent and if money grew on trees I maybe could slap a magazine room up in my house with very little effort. Right so anyway my boys have cute rooms...and a little girl room. With brightness and prettiness and girliness. Be still my excitement.

*side note* I got a phone call in the middle of this post...forgot about finishing it up until now (12:30) and somehow between when I started this post and when I finished it I decided it would be genius to rearrange the boys rooms. Have no fear I didn't do any heavy lifting and had the boys help A LOT. Gavin is now in the room with Jakeb and Zachary and his old room will be the toy/playroom. We will see how this works, I kinda think I am nuts.....but whatever. I like change. And apparently get distracted easily. Oops. The room is half finished much like this post was.

Right anyway look for more pictures and baby girl room stuff that is full of pretty.

Baby oh Baby.

I mentioned a few times we were going to be finding out the gender of the newest wee one. I didn't mention when exactly because quite honestly I wasn't sure if I was ready for the responses I would receive. After all we have 3 boys so everyone assumes we of course want a girl and would be bummed if we didn't get that girl. Now duh we wouldn't be bummed....I mean really.

But we were dying to know...I had a feeling of what baby is but wasn't sure how good my intuition really is. Apparently it's good and I was right. This past Saturday we headed over to a optional u/s office and after nearly an hour of begging and pleading with baby SHE finally moved HER little er*big* feet and clearly let us know she was in fact a SHE. We are of course thrilled and over the moon and OMG we are having a little girl. Wow. In complete shock and I have looked at her ultrasound pictures at least a dozen times because I just can't believe it. We have our official anatomy scan appt in a few weeks and can find out again for sure that no new parts have grown on our little GIRL. Our little girl who seems to be measuring a bit big and has giant feet and is already stubborn.

It's a girl!

She has a name we are 90% sure on but I will wait to share it for now!