Still spinning...

I keep having to remind myself of what has happened. It seems so gosh darn sudden to me and I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. I think I am still fairly numb. Don't get me wrong I have sobbed and cried but I just feel like I haven't "gotten" it. It's so weird to think of my life with out her in it. It's like it's not possible so this just can't be real. That's exactly how I feel, but I have to keep telling myself...not this IS real, this really did happen. And it's odd because it's not like she was young and it's not like I didn't know going into this (her cancer treatments) that this wasn't a very strong possibility. She was so incredibily weak phsyically already that I almost couldn't imagine her body handling all the drugs. And it didn't. :( But it still is such an incredible shock to me. It all seems so fast. Saturday after the burial I was sitting at their house and it struck me that a week ago (from that point) she was walking around the house doing her daily things and now we have just buried her. It was so fast, I guess that's how it always is really. I went over to their house today to help my aunt go thru some of her personal things. My aunt said that she's been told that the sooner you do it the easier it is...don't know if that is true we didn't get thru too much. I have to bags full of clothing that she wore, I imagine it will stay in the bags for a great while before I can actually manage to bring it out and wear it or do anything with it. It so weird being there, my grandfather looks so sad and broken hearted. He talks and seems ok but his eyes just ache. Even being in the house it I had to remind myself "she's not here". Heck even now.

I don't like this....

I don't like I have to post this....I don't like that it's the truth, I wish it were a bad dream. This past Wednesday night, January 16, 2008 at 10:55pm my grandmother passed away at Williamson Medical Center. Her "funeral" is tomorrow. She had typed up wishes that she had a few years ago and she has requested no funeral just a graveside service. I really don't know what to do so I am just trying to stay busy, and I guess I am acting like nothing has happened really. But it has and I am so distraught, so sad. I am sitting here in tears now, I guess it hits me at night mostly. I have taken on the project of putting together pictures of her into a DVD, and my sweet baby boy Gavin came in while I was doing it and pointed to the computer and said "amama" aka Gramma, I told him no that's GiGi and he proceeds to sit here and say GiGi over and over again at every picture of her for about 5 min. It broke my heart, he won't get to know her and she won't get to hear how great he says her name now. I told the boys today, they took it just fine really...kinda like I thought they would. Jakeb just came up and hugged me and knows he should be sad but I don't think he understands why, Zachary just wanted to know about burying her. He also asked about putting flowers on the "place where we bury her" and I told him yes of course he could do that and then asked him how he knew about doing that, he said he saw Squidword do that when he thought Spongebob had died. LOL! Silly boy.
I just can't believe it, I am still in shock I think...you know every time I go to Gramma and Pappy's house I always sit at the bar and Gramma sits in her stool aka her perch. And we just talk and talk, about things going on with her or family or me or just anything. We have done that for years, before they redid the kitchen we sat at the table. She would often save me coupons and I would cut them out while we talked. What am I going to do now when I go there?? Look at her empty stool and have no one there. I can still hear her it just doesn't seem real at all, not at all. She was SUCh a strong person to me, she had a mind of her own for sure and she usually let you know it. So seeing her at the hospital so weak and sick and struggling it just was very surreal and now knowing she is gone just seems wrong, so very wrong. It hurts and it sucks. I knew it would happen but I didn't think I would feel this shocked. She made me a blanket a few years ago, I told her I wanted a blanket made by my grandmother so she got to work on one and surprised me with it. I think it meant a lot to her for me to request that, when she gave it to me she said.."now you have a blanket made by your grandmother" I've been sleeping with it since Wednesday night. I was actually on the phone with my dad when he got the call to get back to the room. I had called him upset because I had forgotten to talk to her about the boys, so he put the phone to her ear so I could tell her that "Jakeb, Zachary, Gavin, and Robert Taylor" all loved her...Robert Taylor is my hubby Robert...I have a brother Robert also so that was her way of distinquishing them. So I talked to her and 45min or so later is when she passed away. I knew when I left the hospital earlier in the evening that she wouldn't make it thru the night. I still just can't believe it all. I don't know it's not like I was totally blindsided with this but it's still how I feel.
Alright I will stop "blubbering" I need to get finished with this slideshow. I needed to do it, I wanted to so I now I need to finish it up!
Here are some pics of my grandmother and us...
This is her and I after a school clothes shopping trip when I was 6 or so...she used to take us shopping for new school clothes almost every year.


First time holding Jakeb...her first Great GrandchildHer with Zachary....seriously could that be any sweeter?Again with Zachary and Jakeb, Happy!!
At Christmas 3 years ago with my Aunt Marsha

Our family minus a cousin and an uncle and Gavin...who was inutero...First time holding Gavin
Again with Gavin, such a cute shot...sorry it's sideways!

Last Pictures of 2007!

Figured I would post the last few pictures I took for 2007! I took these last night around 11:15, to mark my last photos of the kids for '07 :) I think I have done this every year since Jakeb was a baby, but will have to dig thru cd's to see. Maybe I will do that tonight and post back....but maybe I won't.

Either way here are the last pics I took.

Happy New Year, Ya'll!

Long time no post....shame on me! This past month has been busy with a capital B! Graduation came and went...I walked, recieved my diploma and am now officially a college graduate. Yes I deserve respect and a larger paycheck...oh wait, darn. Well the thought was nice anyway. It went very smoothly, several of my mom's family came up for my graduation. It's always nice to see everyone so that was great! We had a little "shindig" here afterward with family and a few friends, that went very well and we all had a nice time. It seemed forever to get here and now it's odd to say I have finally graduated.
The week following graduation we had decided to go with Robert to Columbus, OH. He had a work trip scheduled there for the Thurs/Fri of that week so we figured heck we'll tag along. Jakeb's last day was Wed so it worked out well. We picked him up from school early, he said he didn't feel well but wasn't horrible so we headed out. Grabbed lunch with my mom for her birthday and hit the road, at lunch Jakeb definitely seemed to not feel well but figured he was tired or just in a mood. Well we get all settled at our hotel and he woke up at 4am with a 103 fever! WONDERFUL. It didn't clear up as the day went on Thursday and he was complaining that his throat hurt, so I sent my mom and Robert on a hunt (via phone...via internet and people where Robert was working) for some sort of walk-in clinic. What I really wanted to do was pull up and have a nurse walk out test him for strep, tell me it was positive (I knew that's what it was...I had it PLENTY as a kid), and send us off with an Rx. Knew that wouldn't happen...but the people where Robert was working did send us to the "Children's Walk-in Clinic" and I must say I was impressed! We need a place like that here, it appeared to be a normal peds office but then had walk-ins from 3-10pm, and was NICE! Anyway he had strep, they gave him amox and sent us on our way. I though well good by Friday morning he would be feeling better and 24 hours after starting the rx he would be better...yeah right. We ended up stuck in the hotel the entire time because he didn't get better, in fact we had to call our normal ped on our way home explain the situation and request a new more effective Rx be called in.
Zachary and I did track down the mall in Columbus one evening (of course... I have to find the local mall!) and WOW, was it nice!
So Jakeb wasn't better til Sunday and he missed Christmas with my dad's side...actually he and Zachary both did. So that stunk but we couldn't chance them getting my grandmother sick. My grandmother is doing ok, she had her last Radiation treatment this past Mon, goes in for Chemo again tomorrow. And from that point will have another CT to see how things look and then they will determine further treatment plans as needed. She is worn out and looks very tired but is hanging in there. Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers for her. I do have a special request for anyone still reading at this point to say a few prayers for my dad. It's a long story that I won't bore you with but he is having some problems right now as well as having a hard time dealing with his parents health issues and what not. So any prayers or good thoughts for him to help him along would be MUCH appreciated.
Christmas went VERy well, the boys wracked up this year. But we had fun shopping for them and it was nice to be able to do so. Jakeb got his "Ultimate Bumblebee" he's been drooling over, Zachary got his Spongebob game, and Gavin got his basketball goal. They got more but those were the requests...well other than Gavin's but if he could say it that's what he wanted LOL.
We are currently dealing with Zachary being sick again. He's had a relatively high fever since Saturday, took him to Walkins yesterday...and OMG that was a nightmare, spent THREE hours waiting just to see the doctor it was that packed. Yikes! We got sent for a chest xray because he's had such a high fever, and sounded wheezy. Lungs looked ok they said he has bronchitis and a double ear infection. Joy. SO he's on Augmentin for 10 days. He still had a fever of 102 this afternoon but hopefully a full 48 hours will be what is needed and he will be better tomorrow, if not back to the dr we go. I swear I am borderline ready to lock them in their rooms for the winter.
Jakeb goes back to school on Thursday :( I dont' want him to go. I like him being at home, I hate that he misses all the things we get to do. That and honestly I can't stand having to fix lunch and get up at 6am to get him ready and out the door! I am taking him to Pump-it-Up tomorrow for one last fun day before he goes back, poor Zachary can't go and has to stay at home but I really have wanted to take Jakeb so we have worked that out.
Hmm..I think that's about all for now. I hope everyone has had a wonderful New Years Day....well heck and Holiday all around!