Cherish.

One of my fears when I found out I was pregnant with Nolan was rushing thru his first year just to get to the end of our wait before we can start things up again with the adoption.   What's funny is no matter what the first year just rushes by but I knew that as he got older I would wonder if I had wished away his first year or even first 2 years.  I know myself and no matter how much I enjoyed or cherished this first year I would look back and wonder if it was enough...if *I* was enough.   Every month I take his pictures and every time after the picture taking I toss the sticker up on our big picture window in the sunroom.  So right now all 8 stickers (7 months and one 0) are lined up along the window and every time I have stuck one up there a conflicting emotion rushes around.  One of sadness that he is already a month older and it seems he was just born and another of happiness that we are getting close to him be older.   And that of course makes me feel guilty.  I was talking to Robert the other day and reminded him of me worrying about just this.   I even sat down and thought back to the past 7 months and felt that maybe I wasn't enough....too much worrying about the future.   But then I slept and I woke up yesterday and thought I needed to sit here and write this...that first of all I am too hard on myself.  Secondly the emotions I am feeling about him (them) getting older I would feel whether there was an adoption happening on the horizon or not.  With all 3 of the big boys I felt this exact same way...sad they were older and happy they were older at the same time.
And also I thought back again to the past 7 months and I don't think we could have possibly held or cherished this baby any more than we have.   He has probably been the most held and snuggled baby we have had.   In fact it's very likely his issue with napping stems from being held while he slept as an newborn.   I have more pictures of his sweet face--I have marked the passing of each month with pictures dedicated to just that.  He still snuggles half the night away next to me in the bed.  Sometimes I toss him in a carrier strapped to my chest just because I want to have him close and not because he's fussy or unhappy.  Up until recently I actually would get him out of his bed and put him in ours because I wanted him with me.  In the past 7 months he hasn't been away from me for more than 3 hours (if that).   So instead of worrying if I wished away his first year I am writing this post to remind myself that I haven't.   Sure there are days of frustrations and anguish but that would be whether he was my 1st or my 7th or my only.
While we are very anxious to get to a finishing point with all things adoption we are also enjoying every possible second with this little baby boy.   That I need to remember all the things we did do instead of all the things we didn't.  And really that goes for all the boys.
A reminder that we certainly do cherish them enough.  We love them enough.  And on the days when I wonder if it's enough I hope I remember this post to myself.  While it is like I am wishing away time, I am certainly NOT not cherishing every second of time we have while we have it.  And I know that when we do finally get to bring home our newest addition I will probably again have the rush of conflicting emotions as time passes.