In A People House.

So here I am here...31 years oldish...and having a revelation of sorts that I think has been coming on slowly since like forever...that maybe I am not really a people person. Like you know...I like people for the most part but I have a hard time with people. I can socialize and be friendly and even pretty darn funny. Yet I walk away with an odd sense of awkwardness and sometimes a wee bit of confusion. I have friends...a few that I talk to nearly everyday and a few that I talk to nearly every month. They are rockin' friends that I totally can kick it with and be me. I think they get me and I think I get them and we are cool like that.

But here's the truth...I avoid small talk if at all possible. If I have only met you a few times and I see you in the store the truth of it is...I probably will hide. Is that awful? Because I swear it's not you, whoever you may be, it's that I seriously can not deal with awkward conversations. But I see you kinda hide to so I know I am not alone. They almost hurt guys--ok that's a bit far but eesh I don't like walking away from that conversation rehashing what I said and doing a mental head smack or the worst...when to walk away? I know I am not alone in feeling this way, there are other socially inept folks out there, I am positive of this. I have a hard time dealing with that odd man at the grocery store who wants to talk about nothing at all but makes me totally uncomfortable for no good reason at all. Here's another thing...a little not so big secret...I am not ok with random and even not so random people touching me. It seems I give this vibe off pretty well albeit unintentional...like a sign somewhere over my crossed arms that says "don't hug me" but some people just miss that. I mean really I will hug you, I promise but let me initiate it mmmk? I am not frail or a germ-a-phobe. I am just a touch me not...I have a pretty wide circle of personal space.

So really...the thing is. I recently went out with some folks I sorta kinda know at an ok level...like let's go to dinner sure ok...at dinner other people show up that I both know and absolutely don't know and there was hugging. I mean really, I don't know you don't give me a full on cheek to cheek hug. First off Rachel already in uncomfy land...dinner with newish people and small talk city and oy the pressure, then we bring in more new folks and there is hugging? Now I promise I am friendly--really, I try and I hope the awkward isn't as apparent as it feels. So it occurred to me that maybe I am just not the best people person or maybe it's just feeling intense around here since everyone I meet here in good ole' GA is you know...new and full of small talk and it's flat out wearing me out. Or maybe it's everyone but no one really wants to say it? But then I think...should I really be worn out from small talk and new people. But guys it's mentally exhausting for me...it just is. And that's ok.

But I promise if I meet you please talk to me if you want to hug me you can just be prepared for awkward. I swear I like people--I just am not overly great about new people because of my awkward. I swear where I am now is huge progress though. Swear and promise.

Best Bros.

(these pictures are from July of last year)

The boys state this to each other frequently enough that it certainly can't go without documenting. That at least now at 9, 7, and 5 they consider each other "best bros". I hope this stays with them in some form or fashion for the rest of their lives. I watch them together and love the bond they have so strongly. Don't get me wrong they bicker and fight and often say not so nice things to each other--but most days and most parts of the days they are together working out some game or plan. When we go places I watch them shuffle together in a group--often hands touching shoulders or fingers slightly intertwined. They follow each other in a row like little ducks 1,2,3. They huddle together trying to decide what to do, where to go next together. They whisper and giggle and play silly games. My heart bursts with joy just watching them together...I wonder how a 4th will play into the mix. I imagine he will be holding Jakeb's hand, tucked under Zachary's protective wing, and hopefully giggling with Gavin--though right now Gavin would be holding Jakeb's other hand. Poor Jakeb has no idea how much they adore him, he can shout a particular way and like 2 little mocking birds they mimic his exact words. Such a load to bear for him but he does it so well. It helps that his brothers are almost a polar opposite of him. They all 3 compliment each other so well it's amazing. Big brother ever so cautious helps calm the wild tendencies of his little brothers down while at the same time his little brothers help him coax him out of his shell ever so gently.

Together is what they are and what I hope they remain. I know their relationships will wax and wan over time but I hope the bond they have now always remains and always returns.

Struggling.

I am having a hard time keeping up lately. Hmm...maybe I should say a harder time? Any mother knows the duties are never ending. Laundry, cleaning, feeding, washing, brushing, only to repeat it all the next day and the next and the next....not to mention all the things in that list I didn't mention. Like you know playing with the children, paying the bills, showering, feeding the pets, heck even checking the mail. Though often that is the highlight of my day....lame I know. We got a new washing machine on Tuesday...and after the boys swim lesson I told them we had to hurry home so I could play with it. More lameness. They got it...it's a pretty little machine.

Since being pregnant my energy level has taken a nose dive...at one point I am pretty sure I heard it hit the floor and burst into flames. Most days I can crank it up to a nice tolerable level...until about 3 and then it plummets again. I have bumped dinner time back roughly an hour mostly because Robert gets home and can help me get a little burst of energy to cook--or better still watch him cook. He's cool like that.

But the lack of energy is taking it's toll on me emotionally as well as physically. I don't remember feeling so blah with the big boys...and folks it's not in my nature to laze about that's mentally exhausting for me. Weird I know but true...some days I can laze around and breathe a sigh of relief to just relax. Most days no...however since oh mid March my days consist of barely being able to muster enough energy to shower much less feeding people a decent meal or washing and folding their laundry.

Dear Nolan.

Our sweet little surprise gift. I have been thinking about my feelings and emotions towards being pregnant again a lot recently. I find it funny that it still blows my mind that there is another little boy rolling around in my belly. At 21 weeks over halfway thru my pregnancy. My favorite time of day is laying in bed at night feeling your kicks and flops and I *think* hiccups. I have said that you are a mover and a groover but I am not so sure you are a rowdy one. Your big brothers are certainly full of sweetness but my feeling about you is that you are overflowing with it. That you are gentle and playful. I see your ultrasound picture every single day and my heart swells with happiness and sweetness. We shall see soon enough but day dreaming about you is lovely. I try to imagine your eyes and your sweet little nose and your skin and your hair. Will it be brown like your biggest brothers or blonde like your littlest of the big brothers or even still a different color all together. Will you have freckles like your uncle or dark skin that tans like a biscuit like Zachary. That fact that you are even you is amazing enough and that you will be here in a very short time even more shocking. We are so anxious to see you and hold you and meet your sweet little face and the sweet little person that you are. The love I feel for you already is amazing and overwhelming and so very welcome.

Twelve for Tuesday

1. Today is Robert's Birthday!! Happy Birthday to an awesome husband and wonderful father!

2. Our washing machine broke Sunday...our new one was delivered this morning. The reviews on it are atrocious fingers crossed this is not the case for us.

3. The boys had dentist appts this morning. We lucked out with one itty bitty cavity in Zman's crazy teeth. He goes Friday to get it filled.

4. Next week they (Z and J) have check-ups. We are gearing up for school. Eek!

5. I must admit that the idea of not having to find childcare for my appts is certainly appealing. Despite being bummed that school is starting so very soon--I do love that.

6. I have jotted down a list of projects to try to tackle during the 7 whole hours I will have alone while they are at school. Let's see what I manage to finish before Mr. Nolan gets here.

Some are single day projects and others are a wee bit longer.

7. All 3 started swim lessons yesterday--these are much harder lessons than they anticipated, but certainly the level they are at. Learning strokes. They are cute and I am excited they are getting to do this.

8. Zachary also is starting football in a few weeks. We are secretly hoping he doesn't like it...it's a no joke commitment. But we'll see. I think I am much more into quieter sports like tennis or swimming or running and soccer.

9. Speaking of running the hardest part of swim lesson's for Zachary yesterday was kicking with a kick board. Interestingly enough leg issues/fatigue is one of the biggest things we have noticed to be a difficulty for him and attribute to his illness he had at 3. I feel like the swimming might be better for him than we realize.

10. The boys got bouncy balls at the dentist today--the coolest and worst invention ever.

11. The are bouncing them in the foyer now and I am trying to be calm about it.....

12. Calm about house destruction isn't really in my title.

Hypothesis: Everyone needs an underwater camera.

(Don't worry those teeth have braces on them now)

(I am not exactly sure whose foot that is--but am really hoping it is NOT Zachary's)

Theory Proven: Everyone needs an underwater camera.

Our summer so far.

First off school starts in 3 weeks. Um, can we say holy guacamole? First off I have one starting kindergarden in 3 weeks...secondly it's in 3 weeks! Ack. The summer hasn't gone exactly as I envisioned--firstly in that it is going by much too fast and secondly we have had a few hiccups in our time that have made this a summer to not forget in not such a good way. Having said all that I really feel that the boys are doing exactly what they want with their time off for good grades--and that is absolutely nothing. Most days they are 110% ok with sitting at home playing with their various toys--aka whatever the obsession of the week is, currently we are rolling with transformers hard core, or watching a show or 2 or 10, or playing a video game for a bit. My immediate reaction is oh no, no, no--this is not good, this is NOT a summer of fun---we aren't adventuring around the state and we certainly are not spending most of our days lounging by the pool. But then it occurred to me to A) we are doing exactly what the kids want and B) quit stressing and enjoy that the boys want to chill at home--for free and indoors. I did manage craft time one day this week...which turned out to be a borderline flop, but I still have a few more activities that hopefully we can pull off before the summer is over. Actually I have several it's just a matter of you know...doing them.

Our washing machine decided this morning was a good time to start acting all crazy by pouring water all over the floor. I am pretty sure this is an attempt to go on strike because we had the boys throw all of their sheets and quilts down to be washed--and it has been slightly overworked as of late. I am hoping a little TLC from Robert will help turn it around and if that doesn't work maybe a good kick in the motor from me will convince it. Of course as I type this I am listening to the dryer getting angry about the extra wet blanket I was forced to toss into it...I hope it's just doing a little bitching about the extra work and not actually thinking of joining it's washing friend in revolt. This is not a good situation for any of us. I guess this is just another example of why I should be glad the boys don't want to go outside and get muddy or go to the pool and dirty up towels and swim clothes...

Coupons stress me out and white bread tastes better.

The idea of saving money is a really lovely one...but it's one I can't manage. I am admitting right here and right now that the idea of cutting coupons and matching sales in various stores to save the most I can on toothpaste or macaroni stresses me out. So as a result I do not make a list, the bag full of coupons I cut and clicked expires, we run out of food, I continue to not make a list and we go spend money at a restaurant where someone else can deal with the stress of buying the food. So the obvious occurred to me recently. I said "self, do NOT do coupons. You are not saving money at all by not going to the grocery store and instead spending much too much in a restaurant for your family of 5. Self, you are released from the pressure to save money by using coupons, please commence shopping for food at regular price" Amazingly we have food again and meals are once again being prepared at home.

And folks let me tell you the pressure to use coupons and save money is there...it's huge and I was feeling like a big fat idiot for not taking advantage. OMG I could have 29 bottles of ranch dressing for FREE!!!! Even though I don't need any bottles of ranch dressing and probably won't for a year because we just don't eat it often. So I just decided to hold my head up high and NOT use coupons not because we don't need them--sure we could certainly use the extra $$ saved. Most definitely I mean hello I spent well over $200 in groceries the other day--granted this was after a food drought rolled up in here, but still. The problem isn't we don't need the moola it's that it's of no use if it is causing me mental angst and therefore costing us more money. Duh. Despite me knowing it's better to use coupons and despite me knowing it "is easy"...it's not easy for me. And I am cool with that. I do use coupons on clothes and other things so it's cool.

Another recent revelation that smacked me recently--just buy the damn white bread. Here's the thing...my kids eat wheat bread. White bread was this secret thing they didn't know about--kinda like koolaid (which I also bought recently--we are going for broke here folks--maybe literally) I am not a huge fan of wheat bread and much prefer my PB&J on soft delicious white bread. I could eat it all day long--ok not really but I love me some PB&J on white bread. But in an attempt at all things healthy-ish--sandwiches must be made on wheat bread-bought with a coupon only when they are BOGO of course. So what does Rachel do? Skip the sandwich and the semi healthy wheat bread PB&J and drove herself to Chik Fila more days than not. Until smart Rachel thought...."self this is dumb...I am sure the white bread PB&J is much better than 8 pcs of fried chicken nuggets, tasty salty waffles fries, and a soda...buy the white bread and live with less guilt, Duh". So people the lesson here--I am excepting defeat...no I am excepting that there are some things I am just not all that cut out for coupons and wheat bread are 2 of them. And we are working on baby steps here--baby step #1 stop purchasing food at restaurants. Then we can work on things like coupons and wheat bread....maybe.

Checkin' Out

A couple weeks ago now...we made our summer trek south ward for salt water and sand. Our destination this go round was Cocoa Beach. As a kid a good deal of our beach vacations were to here and thru the first 4 or so years of our marriage as well. This was our first time back to CB in 5 years (we hit up other beaches in past trips) and the boys were super excited to go again--despite really not remembering the last trip. Discussions of Cocoa Beach were apparently plentiful because they "remembered" enough to want to go back! Hello--Ron Jon's!

We also planned a surprise trip to Disney for one day and aside from being flat worn out we had a fantastic time. Jakeb learned that he really can trust us that we won't throw him on a ride that will stop his heart instantly and Gavin learned that he in fact isn't a fan of rides that have the bottom drop out suddenly in the dark (Splash Mountain--was HIS choice to ride!) Zachary also learned he is in fact the "bravest in our family" though truth be told if I wasn't pregnant I would have been on all those rides right there with him. The nice thing about Disney is that it isn't full of thrill rides and the kids and us got to chill in nice air conditioned slow rides most of the day.

The beach was fantastic. Perfect water temperatures and the boys had an absolute blast getting beat up by waves. Well that's not entirely true. By day 3 Jakeb had pretty much sworn off the ocean as a result of a few miniscule scrapes and a wee bit of a rash on his chest from the sand. I tried to convince him this were signs of a true surfer and to toss on his rash guard shirt aka swim shirt. This worked with a bit of hesitation on his part--either way they rocked boogie boarding like old pro's and based on the amount of giggling I heard from my comfy chair in the shade I would assume it was a hit.

These are the only 2 shots we got of everyone together the entire trip and Zachary (check out the first one LOL) and Robert did the goofy face thing in both. Oh well!

A dilemma....of not so epic-ness.

So back 4 days ago when I thought I was having a little girl....I had room plans rolling around in my head and was excited to be buying a new white crib and pink bedding and girliness. Now I am working on switching my thinking to boy and back to blue...I have pretty much got it planned as well and am tossing myself into executing the plan once the big boys start back to school (in OMG a month!) The dilemma that is no so epic is white crib or black crib. Going totally basic here and back to the classics and doing a Jenny Lind crib....just trying to decide if I want this bedding to be with a Ebony (aka black but we don't want to say black because it's a baby bed) crib or the White. I know so silly to fret over and truth be told I am not fretting I mean for goodness sake...I have 19 or so weeks to go...roughly 4 1/2 months. I could slap a room together in a week including ordering time. But it's a decision I am pondering at the very moment and the best thing I could think of writing about because what I want to blog about I can't. So let's talk about baby stuff instead! The baby...aka Nolan is quite a wiggly one and I must say that I have had no problem referring to him and HIM and also as Nolan which is funny because while I didn't have a hard time saying her and she when the baby was not girl I couldn't bring myself to say the name. Which is probably good because I am having a hard time not thinking about the boys sister--and then going oh wait...they didn't have one. I just can't wait to see this little boy and his sweet face...it is very fun pondering who he will look like. Jakeb and Zachary look so similar we often have people ask if they are twins--which is insane because in my opinion they look very different, and then we have Gavin the blonde boy who actually looks like his brothers but his coloring throws everyone off because he is so very blonde. (Side note: as I looked up name meanings yesterday I discovered that Gavin actually means White Hawk....how cool and fitting is that?) So it will be interesting to see who we get this go round. And Nolan means Fighter....which also seems very fitting.

Well now.

I should be writing now to tell you about our wonderful vacation this past week and how we managed to score tickets to disney. Or show you the bedding we picked out for baby girl and her name.

Instead I will tell you how we have 3 gorgeous healthy boys and found out 3'ish weeks ago that we will be having a baby girl who would be spoiled rotten by everyone. This morning we loaded up into the car and all headed out for the official peek at baby girl to get some measurements and make sure everything looked at it should. The good news everything does in fact look as it should...the funny news Baby girl is in fact Baby BOY. Mmmmhmmm apparently baby boy thought he was a funny one and hid his boy parts during our first ultrasound. Now a quick run down on how I am handling this news...A) I am not upset that baby is a boy. B) I am upset I lost what I thought was a daughter. C) That sounds confusing because I didn't technically loose a thing... This morning I was fine and dandy laughing about it and saying I KNEW I didn't trust that ultrasound from the second she said it was a girl. Which is also comical because my "gut instinct" said it was a girl--yet when they said it was a girl I was convinced it was wrong. But I tried to relax and trust they were right...I mean really I even forced myself to buy clothes. Ok maybe forced is a stretch but I let myself trust enough to get excited and buy clothes and pick out bedding....and trust it wasn't wrong and that wouldn't happen to us on top of everything else that has transpired over the past couple weeks. No way. Needless to say this afternoon I am not so fine and dandy. I am excited to meet this baby boy (and maybe ground him for being a sneak) but at the same time I am heartbroken that I lost my little girl. What is worse is I feel guilty for feeling this way --after all we have 3 fantastic little boys. (i might add I lost it on them when they were burping loudly in the car....this may or may not have helped send me over the edge this afternoon)

So yeah....Had I been told from the first ultrasound It's a Boy! I would be not feeling this at all...but imagining a little girl, shopping for a little girl, and having that taken away. Not fun.

And that's the truth of it....excited yes but at the same time heartbroken. It's quite conflicting.

Upside Down and Inside out...

We have had one helluva a week here....instead of ramblings...hows about some pictures of cute little boys...Those are always nice

An actual update...

This one being adoption related. We just got off a nice little conference call with our new caseworker with our agency. There is good news, decent news, frustrating news, but essentially no bad news.

Many have asked if we are continuing with the adoption now that we are pregnant...presumably the reason why we began the adoption to begin with. Presumably because well I said it was...it just wasn't the only reason. Here is how I look at this whole picture...this baby is a surprise the adoption wasn't. This baby is very much wanted and longed for...for a long time. The adoption did change that some but this baby doesn't change things with the adoption. Both (all) children were dreamt about and longed for--I can't imagine changing my mind about them--whether I birth them or not. I had dreams about little darked haired cuties from Col*mbia just as much as I have dreamt about holding a brand new baby girl in my arms. I dreamt them because they were in my heart already and that hasn't changed.

So on to the update....our new caseworker broke everything down for us and how things will play out over the next bit. Once the baby is born we will update all of our paperwork and then we will notify C*lombia of the changes. At that point our dossier will go on hold for 1 year. When it goes on hold this does not restart our approval date--that would remain the same--which was my biggest question. The year will suck, but is necessary and I know that and I am honestly glad it's enforced. From the date of approval it is just waiting--then it goes on hold--more waiting--then off of hold in November 2012 and then more waiting but we don't necessarily loose our "spot in line". We would not be referred any children during the 1 year time but will not have to restart our waiting once we come off of hold.

Our dossier is NOT currently approved. However apparently back in APRIL (yes this is the frustrating news) our previous caseworker received a request for additional information regarding some of our paperwork. I honestly expected this...our psychological report while nicely written was not thorough enough. Specifically when it came to discussing our reasons for wanting to adopt more specifically from Col*mbia. So had we received that information 2 MONTHS ago our dossier likely would have been approved already. Unfortunately we didn't and we will now need to rush to get this update. Our psychologist was not the friendliest so this will be frustrating. Ho hum, par for the course...we should expect a few bumps!

Basically that is the run down of what we can expect.

Sad Camera.

It has occurred to me numerous times over the past...well however long it's been...my sense of time is basically shot....that my picture taking has dwindled down to basically zilch. I went from hundreds of pictures a month to maybe dozens while in reality this is probably a good thing it is a bit sad. The boys are gone all day or were and when we do go places the idea of lugging a 10lb camera around is less then enticing. Plus I got tired of the frustration of saying oh hey wait...let me get a picture and the exasperated sighs and grunts of displeasure that formed from that. In an attempt to regain my picture taking status I have tried to remember to bring my smaller camera's along on short trips--the zoo, the pool, etc. Sadly it seems 9 times out of 10 that I have either left a memory card (essentially no film) at home or a dead battery. Oops. SO having said all that...I am going to try to snag more pictures. I am hesitant to commit to the whole 365 thing again...because while that was a super cool self assignment. I have yet to actually do what I said I was going to do with it. Make a photo book. (note #1 to bored self looking for things to do when kids go back to school: make photo book). See I had all the pictures organized into files for each kid...all 365 pictures of each child. Which amounts to over 1000 pictures sorted and ready to go. I *girl who preaches about backing up files* did not back up these particular files and lost them. The pictures were duplicates and I have them in the main monthly files BUT I will have to go back thru all 12 months for each child and pick out the pictures. Not hard...just tedious. But oh so worth it in the end. Anyway...my camera is sad and lonely so I am going to try to take more pictures of kids or randomness and maybe even Robert. Watch out it's camera's gone wild up in here...ok not really...not even a little bit....but still. Fingers crossed I am not all talk on this...I try not to be like that but sometimes I am.

And also the idea of decorating a little girls room is settling in and OMGoodness. First I love, love decorating any room--specifically kids rooms. I am relatively good at it not like magazine omg gorgeous room good...but decent and if money grew on trees I maybe could slap a magazine room up in my house with very little effort. Right so anyway my boys have cute rooms...and a little girl room. With brightness and prettiness and girliness. Be still my excitement.

*side note* I got a phone call in the middle of this post...forgot about finishing it up until now (12:30) and somehow between when I started this post and when I finished it I decided it would be genius to rearrange the boys rooms. Have no fear I didn't do any heavy lifting and had the boys help A LOT. Gavin is now in the room with Jakeb and Zachary and his old room will be the toy/playroom. We will see how this works, I kinda think I am nuts.....but whatever. I like change. And apparently get distracted easily. Oops. The room is half finished much like this post was.

Right anyway look for more pictures and baby girl room stuff that is full of pretty.

Baby oh Baby.

I mentioned a few times we were going to be finding out the gender of the newest wee one. I didn't mention when exactly because quite honestly I wasn't sure if I was ready for the responses I would receive. After all we have 3 boys so everyone assumes we of course want a girl and would be bummed if we didn't get that girl. Now duh we wouldn't be bummed....I mean really.

But we were dying to know...I had a feeling of what baby is but wasn't sure how good my intuition really is. Apparently it's good and I was right. This past Saturday we headed over to a optional u/s office and after nearly an hour of begging and pleading with baby SHE finally moved HER little er*big* feet and clearly let us know she was in fact a SHE. We are of course thrilled and over the moon and OMG we are having a little girl. Wow. In complete shock and I have looked at her ultrasound pictures at least a dozen times because I just can't believe it. We have our official anatomy scan appt in a few weeks and can find out again for sure that no new parts have grown on our little GIRL. Our little girl who seems to be measuring a bit big and has giant feet and is already stubborn.

It's a girl!

She has a name we are 90% sure on but I will wait to share it for now!