Some updates.

I haven't said much about the adoption lately...mostly because there really is nothing much to say. We are still waiting on our approval from Col*mbia. We found out this past week that our program director is leaving the agency effective immediatly along with all the other people that work directly with him in Col*mbia. This is a bit alarming and we aren't sure what this means for us...if anything.

Knowing that every bit of the adoption is essentially put on the back burner right now is hard for my "mommy guilt". I know we have no choice and that for everyone it really is better but it doesn't make it easy. This adds to the inner turmoil I feel over being pregnant again...on one hand I am excited (very excited) and on the other kicking myself and feeling guilty for having to put our other child(ren) on hold. It does drag this process out quite a while. However with the way movement is going on Col*mbia it doesn't look like it was going to happen quickly to begin with.

I had my 14 week appt today. Everything sounds great....I have a doppler at home and this baby is a wild one. I can listen to it's heartbeat anytime I would like and oh my goodness...he/she is quite the wiggler. I go back again in 5 weeks (we will be on vacation the 4th week) and we will have our official anatomy scan and will officially find out what baby is provided he/she cooperates. I also get to do the gestational diabetes test early this go round since Zman was quite a large chunky monkey at birth. Works for me. Really can't believe we are at the second trimester already....or even discussing trimesters at all.

The Graduate.

Last night Gbabes had his little preschool graduation. First the theme they used was to die for cute--the kids weren't all dressed up and didn't do skits but it was simple and Adorable. It was the 2, 3 day a week preK classes but the entire chapel was decorated from all the other classes. Each class made a "banner/poster" thing with pictures of all their kids, BUT they used recycled items. Water bottles, TP rolls, cereal boxes and the like all cute and tapes and painted and put together to make a theme of some sort. One was an underwater theme...one was butterflies...Gavin's class did a flower garden theme. It was gosh darn cute and clever to boot!

And my little shy man is quite the little performer. His brothers were positive he would do what they do and just stand there chewing their finger nails with nervousness. I promised them he would blow their socks off and he did just that. They were grinning ear to ear watching him stomp and dance and sing quite loudly. They were shocked and pretty proud of him. He was on the front row and did awesome. Fortunately for us mom's they avoided the sappy sweet stuff and saved us the tears.

Check it out: My favorite song he walks around singing...makes me giggle every time he does it.

Twelve for Tuesday

1. I didn't mention it but I had a birthday a week or so ago...right before Mother's Day. Birthday's are my thing and for as long as I can remember I have counted down the days until my birthday to anyone who would listen. This year was a bit different as I honestly kept forgetting...lots going on. I did remind a few people a few times though ;)

2. I still have a baby face and I will one day be grateful but for now with 3 kids and 1 or 3 on the way it's a bit frustrating.

3. May went all stupid and got cold again for a few days...it's should be at the very least 70 in May today the HIGH was 64...maybe. Not smart May, not smart. This is the south afterall.

4. Every single little cramp or twinge makes me do a little freak out...you would think after 3 I would be chill. Unfortunately I am not. For the most part chill isn't in my nature. Unless of course you are talking about cleaning....or cooking...then it's whateville all day long.

5. As I get older I worry more about lots...this is not fun for me. Like at all.

6. What is fun...is the beach. And also that I will be at the beach in roughly a month.

7. The dogs thought they were all sneaky like and smart and got in the trash the other night...sneaky yes. Smart no. Raw sausage that is in the trash is because it is BAD...like not for consumption. Duh. So thanks for the nasty raw sausage fumes you are emitting.

8. I wish the "learn your lesson" thing worked on dogs...like "oh I ate that bad food...it made me sick...I won't eat it again..." but instead no. They will eat it again.

9. Jakeb stayed home from school today he said his stomach hurt...he ironically was healed by the end of the day. Works for me I guess.

10. I have a pretty strong gut feeling as to what baby fo is...tomorrow it will change though. I don't think my gut feeling detector works properly.

11. My dad came by and brought me THIS bracelet with 4 charms like THIS one for each boy and Robert and also a little baby buggy. And this makes me very happy since I have asked for this for like ever...but he didn't know that. So very good choice!

12. It's bedtime for the kiddies...and then me. Buenes Noches!

Hello from here.

2 more weeks of school and I don't think it can get here soon enough. Though I imagine in 8 weeks I will be counting down the last 2 weeks of summer saying the same thing....though truth be told I am lazy and school isn't for the lazy. So while a break from the kiddies is nice I am not one that needs them gone all day every day especially when that means I have to get up at 6. May is a very busy month for school kiddo's with field days and field trips and parties and awards and all "OMG it's the last month of school'ness". I help with their classes as much as I can which means it's also busy for me....so bring on summer.

The n'hood pool opened this past Friday just in time for a week of 65-70 degree weather. Go figure. But we are very excited the pool is open even if we still have to wait another week....or two.

We are hitting the vacation road soon and did I mention I can't wait? We are surprising the boysies with a day at Disney and I am super stoked for that....but really almost more excited for the beach and a hat and a chair and a book and watching 3 little boys romp and giggle in the waves.

Next year will be 4 little people (boys? or boys and girl?) Still not used to that idea. At 13 weeks it is still not real and honestly I am still battling that just a bit. Wrapping my head around the idea of having a newborn again...thrilled yes for sure...but still reeling about from the news. I think I will get it when we are home from the hospital with a new little person. Which will be in roughly 6 months. Wow. We have managed to pick out names and will find out which one we will be using very soon. The 2 biggest brothers are excited and announce to everyone we will have 6 kids soon....which we then find ourselves stammering and trying to explain. That it really won't be that soon and also it may not be 6....which leads to more explaining. So basically we told the kids to stop saying that because it just is confusing to everyone including us. The littlest of the big brothers is trying to forget and I am thinking was more excited about his Col*mbian siblings than an actual baby sibling. Or thinks we have lost our mind for switching things up on him....either way he's just as confused about all this as we are. Lucky for us we have 6 months to get our heads in the game.

Missing.

The past few weeks I have noticed that I am starting to miss the comforts of "home". I am missing TN and all the comforts I had there. All the things I took for granted. I knew my way around, I knew where to take my kids for haircuts, for dentists visits, for check-ups....for a day of play. I don't know that here and getting into a routine with that is tough. The town we lived in in TN I always thought was lacking in kid friendly activities...sure we had a few parks and you know...a children's museum...an indoor pool with a playground. And "big city" was just up the road. Yet I still thought it wasn't enough. But now...I live in a town where I can't find those things. Oh yes we are in a big city (without the quotes!) but big city is overwhelming and 45+ minutes away and often thru traffic...I can't zip on down to the children's museum or the zoo. Like I could in TN. I have found parks and that's about it. I have googled and come up relatively blank. We live close to roughly 4 towns which should give a broad range of options but I just can't find them. I haven't even found a pediatrician I love...though I think I came close last week...but we'll see! I did at least find one to avoid. (advice to peditricians: talk to parents...duh...if you have zilch for bed side manor you might find yourself with zilch for patients too. Just a thought)

Thing is is I know most of these things are found via word of mouth. Ask other parents get to know other moms...oh sure easy enough. I even joined a little play group last summer...but problem is. I don't have toddlers and playgroup age kids any more. This particular group was chalk full of new mommies with babies and toddlers. Odd man out. I have met parents at the boys school and soccer games but just basically suck at saying "hey you wanna kick it sometime?" In fact now that I think of it the few friends I have made are thanks to Robert who said here..."a new friend!" My social skills are sub par, er well actually I am friendly and chatty and all that but forming new meaningful friendships isn't really something I excel at. So now I miss my close friends and my comfort of home and knowing what the heck to do with my kids this summer. Because while the idea of crafting and projects at home sure is a nice one...I also know it really just doesn't work for us very often. See: Rachel freaks out. And lounging by the pool is certainly going to happen a lot I also know that every.single.day of chlorine and sun will get to be a lot.

So I need to shove myself yet again outside that nice little bubble of comfort....

And today Gavin goes for a check-up...this is the easy part.

"BTW, I am 5 today"

Gavin could not wait to turn five. His 2 very best friends turned five way back in September and October and since then he has been asking when he will be five. Explaining that was difficult and I think he finally gave up asking because 8 months is a long time to wait and ask. The week leading up to his birthday I gave him a count down but I really don't think he believed he was actually, finally going to turn 5.

We had his party 2 days before his birthday and several of his friends from school came as well as other close friends. He was very excited but also not please that he STILL wasn't five. Finally Monday rolled around and I let him know he was now FIVE. Several times thru the day he would remind me that he was five and the following day even said "I can't believe I am 5 now." This was a BIG deal.

Mr. Five year old. Is a awesome dude. We have said ever since he was a tiny tot that he has so much personality it literally swells up in him and bubbles out in ways he has nearly no control over. He is chatty and shy. He loves to play with his "brudders" and asks me ever single day when they will be home. He is a little perfectionist and writes his name carefully and slowly and gets frustrated very easily when he messes things up. He likes things to be just a certain way and is still crazy about his blanket which is often found draped over his shoulder as he walks around the house. He is the epitome of the baby of the family...and often has to be reminded that he is in fact no longer a baby and can do things for himself. He loves to snuggle especially with me--which is always welcome especially after his years of mad love for his daddy. My favorite are the random kisses he will lean up and give me when we are snuggling together. He is loving trying to learn Spanish words and I think is a little miffed that we are a bit preoccupied lately and haven't been doing this as much. He claims he in fact does NOT like babies and will not be looking at our new one...though I am certain he will cave and sneak a peek. He is very pumped to be starting Kindergarden in August and I know will do absolutely wonderful. He is one smart cookie and will breeze through. He is a wonderful happy little boy that we are crazy about. Happy FIFTH Birthday Gavin Arnold!!

Tuesday Twelve

1. I can't believe I haven't posted in over a week.

2. I am pretty emotionally zapped lately. Not used to that....stupid hormones.

3. Also major slacker in the housewife category. I know I will snap back but in the mean time I feel guilty...a little.

4. I did dust today. Downstairs.

5. We moved the guest bed out of the soon to be baby's room over the weekend. Something I felt was a bit premature but also we gave it to my brother who finally said..."I can get it now..." which meant it's going now or never. So off it went.

6. I am getting more excited...still cautiously excited...but getting there.

7. I am also flat out scared and nervous about having a new baby again. I am nearly a professional and a darn good newborn mom but um...yeah a newborn again. Wow.

8. I haven't cooked a meal in more days than I care to admit.

9. Zachary is sick and I am praying hard that Gavin doesn't get it too. This is the 3rd stomach bug in just over 2 months to fly thru the house. That's ridiculous.

10. I plan for us to hibernate in our own little healthy bubble thru the summer.

11. Gavin's Birthday was yesterday and I just realized that I haven't given him a proper birthday post. Oops. I will do that...not now...but soon.

12. 3 1/2 weeks until school is out and 6 1/2 weeks until we leave for Florida.

An Update--with a Twist.

Well as many of you may know that roughly 3 1/2 years ago we decided we would like to complete the family by evening up the numbers and adding kiddo number 4. Surprisingly we ran into infertility and found ourselves unable to add baby number 4. After much discussing and talking we decided to pursue adopting, something we had talked about in the past. I began taking measures to prevent any surprises along the way and things trucked right along with the beginnings of the adoption paperwork process. We are now patiently (funny idea right?) waiting for approval from C*lombia and are hoping it will come any day now.

However...you knew this was coming right? Roughly 6 weeks ago a surprise DID come despite all the reasons why it shouldn't or couldn't. It did....and we found out that baby #4 WILL be coming along afterall. This time the "traditional" way and sometime in November. Yep, I am pregnant. And Yes we are still adopting. Laughing? Yeah that's pretty much what everyone has done when we tell them...after of course they pick their jaw up off the floor. I am still shocked and I have known for 6 weeks and in fact until the baby is here I don't think I will believe it. We are definitely excited but definitely still working thru all the details of what this means exactly for the adoption. At this point we know it will delay things for sometime and it should. I couldn't imagine bringing home a newly adjusting child with a brand new baby---how unfair for the child...so we know that it's best to let things wait however much we don't want to. I am certainly learning to have patience in all sorts of ways and that I don't really have control of everything no matter how hard I try.

So I had my first official appt today and am 10 weeks exactly and have a wiggly little one be boppin' along that apparently was waiting for the right moment to sneak attack us.

Sorry for the poor quality photo. This is of the screen with my phone...their machine was messed up so no fab photos. PLUS I apparently have a jacked up uterus making u/s pictures of itty bitty's not so fabulous--without...umm...more invasive ultrasound options. But that t-tiny foot is cute at least...it was all stretched out kicked back relaxing.

Twelve for Tuesday

1. It's a gorgeous day today....and will be in the 80's here all week!

2. We are down to 5 more weeks of school for the boys.

3. This school year has really FLOWN by.

4. Today my goal is to get the boys laundry washed and folded...and make sure they get it put away when they get home. I have one load left!

5. I got my hair cut yesterday--a bit shorter than I intended but it's still cute and it will grow.

6. Still not one single thing to report with the adoption. We actually haven't even spoke with anyone from our agency in over a month....because there is just nothing to speak about at this point.

7. Jakeb is spending his week at school testing and testing. This is our counties week for GCRCT testing which is the big state test...good times. Jakeb seems pretty unfazed by it.

8. Can't believe we are fast approaching May...of 2011. Nutso-ness.

9. The azalea's out front have lost their luster and pink blooms--see ya next April pretty flowers!

10. My motivation has vanished lately....please let me know if you see it float by.

11. The 'hood is working on getting our pool open for the season....I personally think it should open MUCH sooner than the end of May.

12. I can think of nothing else to say....

Twelve for Tuesday

1. It's a gorgeous day today....and will be in the 80's here all week!

2. We are down to 5 more weeks of school for the boys.

3. This school year has really FLOWN by.

4. Today my goal is to get the boys laundry washed and folded...and make sure they get it put away when they get home. I have one load left!

5. I got my hair cut yesterday--a bit shorter than I intended but it's still cute and it will grow.

6. Still not one single thing to report with the adoption. We actually haven't even spoke with anyone from our agency in over a month....because there is just nothing to speak about at this point.

7. Jakeb is spending his week at school testing and testing. This is our counties week for GCRCT testing which is the big state test...good times. Jakeb seems pretty unfazed by it.

8. Can't believe we are fast approaching May...of 2011. Nutso-ness.

9. The azalea's out front have lost their luster and pink blooms--see ya next April pretty flowers!

10. My motivation has vanished lately....please let me know if you see it float by.

11. The 'hood is working on getting our pool open for the season....I personally think it should open MUCH sooner than the end of May.

12. I can think of nothing else to say....

ETA: Another draft....what's up with that?  Looks done to me :)

Controlling

I for the most part have known for quite sometime that I have a tendency towards needing control of situations. I can attribute this back to any number of things in my childhood I suppose...or just that I am the oldest, I am a girl, and um...I was likely born this way. One thing my mom has always told me is that my personality has pretty much been the same since birth. At least I have stayed consistent.

I don't necessarily see myself as needing to be the boss more as I don't like surprises. I don't like when things go wrong so I try to prevent things going wrong. Apparently this is part of being controlling, I prefer to look at this as being prepared but whatever. I am working on letting things go and realizing I can't prevent and control everything. This is not an easy task...and in fact it may just be making my anxiety in other areas worse. But maybe not....hopefully in the long run I will learn to chill. Geez louise though for someone who is needing to control things jumping into International Adoption is a good way to "overcome your fear" because there is pretty much zero control over what will transpire. Yikes.

So I am letting things go...or trying to. I am not standing over everyone around me to get things done and learning to place boundaries though I am not exactly sure where to put them and don't have many people to put them up for but it's a work in progress. It's a learning process I imagine will always be evolving.

On control--I have however managed to control myself and haven't had a Dr. Pepper in nearly 2 months. I have had Sprite but I can almost justify that...we have had illnesses flying around. I haven't been on the treadmill in weeks and I can almost justify that too--and I am not giving up and totally plan to be back on it soon. Work in progress there too.

Today Gavin and I get to register him for Kindy and that's just crazy. He will start sometime in August and that will be interesting. Gavin isn't exactly a morning person and while getting him up at 6:30 is no problem, getting him to cooperate at 6:30 is. He needs a good 30 min to an hour to be less monster like...and I have no plans to get up at 5:30. Let's hope that excitement that he is going to school with his brovers kicks in and does the trick. Or something...that one is definitely a little controlling. And it's a toss up on who wins those battles.

Tuesday Twelve

1. I am wondering if instead of going out to eat on the weekends we could use the money to instead pay for a cleaning lady. My energy to clean has vanished....or to do much of anything actually.

2. Jakeb is 9 and getting old enough to walk around the neighborhood to his friends houses...I don't like this.

3. Relaxing is hard for me to do.

4. I have also decided that the best way to make sure I raise responsible boys might just be to make sure they do most of the work around the house....this will be cheaper than a cleaning lady. And will also take some of the load off of me as well as teach the boys to be able to care for themselves....I think this is win win. Duh.

5. Pollen is covering my house--literally. We have had the windows open and I finally dusted all the pollen off the furniture. Well almost all.

6. The sudden green outside is kinda weird...I left for 4 days and came back to everything green and leafy.

7. The new office furniture is so much better than the old....because you know putting furniture in that was worse than the old would be stupid...but really I am so happy to be looking at nicer cheap furniture.

8. Hound dogs bark---a lot---and it's annoying. They also stink--a lot and it's unfortunate for everyone including him.

9. Hmmm....I wonder if a personal chef would be better than a housekeeper? That's a toss up.

10. I have to sign Gavin up for Kindy this week. Wowsers. Now if we could figure out how to keep the kid well.

11. I will be celebrating a birthday next month--my own.

12. I also am expecting a decent gift for both my birthday and mothers day. Shallow yes--but I have been nice every year about this...in fact I haven't cared....this year I care. *hint*hint* Or not....and I better not receive a ahem...foot bath or bubble bath maker. Just sayin'.

It's just beachy.

On Tuesday last week I woke up thinking, I want to go to the beach. Nothing new really because I often think this but this day was different. The kids were out of school and the funds were ok enough that maybe I actually could go the beach. So I said to Robert, "The boys and I are going to the beach in the morning....wanna go?" To which he laughed. But after much searching and thinking it was decided that we would go to the beach. Robert couldn't go so I asked my sister-in-law if she was down with last minute trips and would like to meet me at my house at 4am and head south for 3 1/2 days. She is and she did....and off we went.

We arrived Wednesday afternoon without a hitch and cozied up on the beach watching the boys play in the water and the sand for a couple of hours. Thursday we made plans to pack lunch and spend the entire day at the beach and then eat dinner at a restaurant we could walk to from the beach. We had a wonderful day--I decided that we absolutely must save money and one day have a condo/house/shack/lean-to on the beach. That my favorite place to watch my boys play is right there. They absolutely love it and can play for hours and hours. And we did.

However making your first lengthy appearance to the sun after 6ish months of hibernation should be done with caution. All of us ended up with sunburn gracing us in various places....Gavin and Jakeb on the back of their little legs, Zachary in 2 little spots on his chest, me on the front of my legs and the left side of my stomach. I looked amazing I promise. My poor SIL however got the brunt of it pretty much over her entire body. We applied sunscreen before we arrived at the beach and even reapplied but apparently not enough...oops. We survived though and lesson learned!

Early Friday morning I woke to a sound I loathe...a child vomiting. Poor Gavin came down with whatever bug Zachary had 5 days prior. And he was miserable. We were miserable and stuck, stuck, stuck. Let's just say I hope the hotel staff knows I tried. Poor little boy is still recovering. When you weigh 34lbs at nearly 5 years old stomach viruses take a lot out of you. He hasn't been sick since yesterday morning but has spent the last 4 days barely moving and barely eating. Which leaves him incredibly weak. Today he has seemed to turn a corner and is requesting food. He has been good about his fluids so I haven't been terribly worried about him being dehydrated and I suppose he won't really starve himself but yesterday I was beginning to wonder. This makes for the 3rd weekend in a row that someone has been sick. It's taking it's toll on me for sure. For the most part I feel the kids are relatively healthy but this winter/spring has me wondering. The last 4 or 5 months have been rough on all of us.

The beach was wonderful for one whole day and we will be back in June. Though it almost feels like we never went if I didn't have sand on the back of my van I would think it was a dream.

The past month or so has been a fog so it was nice to escape even for just a day. And sometimes it is just necessary.

Overwhelming

From time to time I suppose housewifery gets the best of me and my head feels like it just might come off if I pick up one more sock or wipe one more drop of pee off of a toilet. Cleaning up after people is hard and it's draining. Possibly I could be one of those that just doesn't think about what exactly it is I do all day that goes 99% unnoticed but I am not. Most of the year I am and then suddenly I sink. Occasionally the 3 little boys I have running around here making messes and rarely cleaning them will say something that leads me to believe that maybe they get it.

The thing for me is that I need recognition. There aren't awards and speeches made about the mother that stays at home....at least not while children are young and the mother needs it. In the end is what I try to remind myself, that as adults and older men the male people of this house will get it. Will understand why from time to time I seem to loose my mind. Over something stupid like a sock or a lego or that darn cup under the chair for the past month. All the things that just magically happen....that I do. And at times it's overwhelming and while I wouldn't trade my position and trek off to work I do need a way to keep my sanity. I have yet to figure out what that is...aside from hiring a cook, a nanny, a overall maintenance man, a cleaning lady, a financial advisor, and a personal shopper. Interesting that my one position is that of roughly 6 people. Yes this is basically a whining about my job post...whining that I have to clean the toilet again, that I sat in pee again, that the darn cup really has been under the chair for a month and I will likely be the one to finally pick it up, whining that the carpet needs cleaning, the budget needs balancing, good lord even about the mail that needs to be checked.

All of the itty bitty little things that eventually get the best of me. And especially now....when Gavin is sick again and I am tired and flat out overwhelmed. Until tomorrow when I will pull myself up by the bootstraps and get over my whining and get to cleaning.

Sickness and new friends

We are Day 1 of official spring break and Zachary is upstairs watching movie after movie in my bed. He is down for the count with a stomach bug. Frustrated? Why yes, yes I am.

Our windows are open and it's supposed to be 80 today and poor Zman is stuck in bed sick.

On a better note Gavin and Jakeb are not here and we can enjoy open windows and quiet. They have finally found a couple little boys in the neighborhood to play with....they have played with a boy a lot recently but he is 12 and while I am ok with them playing with him here under my supervision I don't know that I am crazy about them running around with him too much. He's a great kid, really he is...but he's 12 and they are not. So I am glad they have found some boys that are their age-ish. And they spent the morning romping around our yard and are now at new friends house doing what they do. And also staying away from germy mcgerm upstairs. Who is just fine to lay in bed and watch movies which also means he is not feeling well.

Have I mentioned I am so happy it's sunny and warm? Because I am. I am pretty sure I am one that suffers a bit from the seasonal blahs and days and days of dreary make me feel...well dreary. So sunny and warm and colorful make me cheery. Hardy har.

Robert's parents made a trek down to visit for the weekend and we had a nice one. We hit up Fernbank as we had planned to do for Jakeb's birthday weekend before it was sabotaged by the flu. Robert and I were able to get out sans kiddies for a couple hours and that was nice too.

Next up on the agenda is a 5th birthday for Gavin....wowza. Swiftly followed by ahem *my* birthday and Mother's day and one my brothers' and Robert's brothers birthday. May is a busy month. But for now we will enjoy April and our 4 year old for a bit longer.