I don't like this....

I don't like I have to post this....I don't like that it's the truth, I wish it were a bad dream. This past Wednesday night, January 16, 2008 at 10:55pm my grandmother passed away at Williamson Medical Center. Her "funeral" is tomorrow. She had typed up wishes that she had a few years ago and she has requested no funeral just a graveside service. I really don't know what to do so I am just trying to stay busy, and I guess I am acting like nothing has happened really. But it has and I am so distraught, so sad. I am sitting here in tears now, I guess it hits me at night mostly. I have taken on the project of putting together pictures of her into a DVD, and my sweet baby boy Gavin came in while I was doing it and pointed to the computer and said "amama" aka Gramma, I told him no that's GiGi and he proceeds to sit here and say GiGi over and over again at every picture of her for about 5 min. It broke my heart, he won't get to know her and she won't get to hear how great he says her name now. I told the boys today, they took it just fine really...kinda like I thought they would. Jakeb just came up and hugged me and knows he should be sad but I don't think he understands why, Zachary just wanted to know about burying her. He also asked about putting flowers on the "place where we bury her" and I told him yes of course he could do that and then asked him how he knew about doing that, he said he saw Squidword do that when he thought Spongebob had died. LOL! Silly boy.
I just can't believe it, I am still in shock I think...you know every time I go to Gramma and Pappy's house I always sit at the bar and Gramma sits in her stool aka her perch. And we just talk and talk, about things going on with her or family or me or just anything. We have done that for years, before they redid the kitchen we sat at the table. She would often save me coupons and I would cut them out while we talked. What am I going to do now when I go there?? Look at her empty stool and have no one there. I can still hear her it just doesn't seem real at all, not at all. She was SUCh a strong person to me, she had a mind of her own for sure and she usually let you know it. So seeing her at the hospital so weak and sick and struggling it just was very surreal and now knowing she is gone just seems wrong, so very wrong. It hurts and it sucks. I knew it would happen but I didn't think I would feel this shocked. She made me a blanket a few years ago, I told her I wanted a blanket made by my grandmother so she got to work on one and surprised me with it. I think it meant a lot to her for me to request that, when she gave it to me she said.."now you have a blanket made by your grandmother" I've been sleeping with it since Wednesday night. I was actually on the phone with my dad when he got the call to get back to the room. I had called him upset because I had forgotten to talk to her about the boys, so he put the phone to her ear so I could tell her that "Jakeb, Zachary, Gavin, and Robert Taylor" all loved her...Robert Taylor is my hubby Robert...I have a brother Robert also so that was her way of distinquishing them. So I talked to her and 45min or so later is when she passed away. I knew when I left the hospital earlier in the evening that she wouldn't make it thru the night. I still just can't believe it all. I don't know it's not like I was totally blindsided with this but it's still how I feel.
Alright I will stop "blubbering" I need to get finished with this slideshow. I needed to do it, I wanted to so I now I need to finish it up!
Here are some pics of my grandmother and us...
This is her and I after a school clothes shopping trip when I was 6 or so...she used to take us shopping for new school clothes almost every year.


First time holding Jakeb...her first Great GrandchildHer with Zachary....seriously could that be any sweeter?Again with Zachary and Jakeb, Happy!!
At Christmas 3 years ago with my Aunt Marsha

Our family minus a cousin and an uncle and Gavin...who was inutero...First time holding Gavin
Again with Gavin, such a cute shot...sorry it's sideways!