It's 9:10...I am sitting here waiting for pictures to load so I can send them on to my sister in law so she can prepare her Christmas cards...something I should have done already. Nolan isn't really keen on my having "computer time" nor is he keen on napping sooo that limits things a bit. Also by 8:30 when everyone is officially in bed and asleep all I want to do is snuggle into my warm covers and not talk or touch people or do anything for anyone and call it a night. Most nights that's exactly what I do...except I don't sleep I just peruse the internet obsessing over all things adoption and then decide to stop doing that and read a book--2 pages in I can't keep my eyes open and that's that.
I haven't said much about the adoption because there just isn't much to say...we are now waiting. And we need to wait but it's hard. I bought a little ornament for our kiddo...the one we don't know yet...we don't know her age or her name or anything. Not knowing is hard but knowing would probably be harder if we knew and still had to wait. So now we wait...and soon we will know and will wait some more and I think my heart will break a million times then but it will be so worth it. In the mean time I feel the crunch to "get our shit together" with all things saving and hello large family. I still feel that we are a little family...when in fact we are not. Even when the boys are crowded around me and chatting and talking and wow that's a lot of faces...but it's not. I never look at them and think too many or this is a lot. Life is a lot for sure...the kids are a lot for sure. I walk around the house and think this is a lot...a lot to clean, a lot to do...but I never really feel like the kids are a lot of people at least not in the too many sort of way. I am not sure if Robert thinks this way, probably not. But then kids are my thing...they always have been. Last week after Gavin's field trip I brought him and his friend home with me early from the trip as I was leaving I told a mom bye and that I had an extra today...her response was one I have heard so very many times "you always have an extra..." which is totally true. Not as true as it used to be and I think I miss that...but then I come home to a messy house and I get frazzled because I can't keep up with it all. When really it's not that bad and I have to remind myself that daily. If I could justify a housekeeper I totally would...but right now all extra spending isn't happening. And that is so totally extra. I don't mop like I should and there is extra layers of dust on everything but the furniture...I have a hard time remembering to practice spelling words and read reading stories and practice piano and all the extra things I think "I want to do that!" But we are here and we are doing our thing and it's ok and it's our thing...everyday we do better but some days we do worse and that's all ok. This little big family of mine...of ours. We are doing pretty good, not perfect but pretty good.
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